robdylan

Friday funnies


Written by Rob Otto (robdylan)

Posted in :Admin on 8 Aug 2008 at 09:55
Tagged with :

Time to exercise those Friday funny-bones!

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can’t help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, “Bubba? Is that you?”

****

An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when it suddenly stepped on a thorn, wedging it between its toes. Being in too much pain to continue, the elephant lay down and began to cry.

Shortly after, an ant came across the elephant and asked why she was crying. “I have a thorn in my foot and it’s too painful to walk,” cried the elephant.

The ant thought a minute and offered a deal: “I’ll pull the thorn from your foot, if you let me have my way with you.”

“Okay, I’ll do anything,” whined the elephant. “Just get the damn thorn out!”

The ant pulled the thorn out, then mounted the elephant and began to hump away. Two monkeys in a nearby tree witnessed the whole thing and were laughing their asses off. They started throwing coconuts at the elephant, and finally one hit her square in the head. The elephant yelled, “YEOUCH!”

The ant said, “Yeah, that’s riiight, take it all bitch!”

****

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

****

Come on guys – hit us with your best ones!



142 Comments

  • Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

    You can drop them off anywhere.

  • Comment 1, posted at 08.08.08 09:59:36 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
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  • I was at my bank today. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change? The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
    Fluctuations.
    The Asian lady says, Fluc you white people, too!

  • Comment 2, posted at 08.08.08 10:04:15 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
    ?What kind of an idiot is it that dares to phone me in the middle of my lunch break??
    The caller shouts back:
    ?Do you have any idea whom you are talking to…? I am the CEO of this company.?
    The employee replies:
    ?Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to??
    Perplexed, the CEO mumbles: ?NO!!!?
    The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and say: ?Thank goodness for that!?
    And hangs up.

  • Comment 3, posted at 08.08.08 10:04:59 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Studente moes ?n kortverhaal in so min moontlik woorde skryf en dit moes
    insluit:

    Godsdiens, seks en dit moet ook ?n speurverhaal wees.

    Die Wenner:

    GOEIE HEMEL, EK IS SWANGER…WIE IS DIE PA?

  • Comment 4, posted at 08.08.08 10:05:45 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Koos and Japie from BRAKPAN were in Pretoria for the Currie Cup Final
    when they suddenly spotted this sign on a shop window:
    Suits R20–00 each
    Shirts R10–00 each
    Trousers R8–00 per pair
    Koos says to his pal. Hey Japie, check at that! Bliksem, we could buy a
    whole load of those clothes… then when we get back we could resell them
    and make us a moerse fortune!
    Now listen boet, when we go into the shop you keep your big mouth shut,hey!
    Just you let me do all the talking and wheeling and dealing stuff, because
    if they hear your BRAKPAN accent, they might try to rip us off. I?ll be
    giving them my best PRETORIA accent so they think we?re locals.
    They go in and Koos says, Excuse me sir, I?ll take 50 of your finest suits
    at R20 each, plus 100 shirts at R10 each, and 50 pairs of your trousers at
    just R8 each. I will be paying in cash, and taking those items with me today, if you don?t mind.
    The owner of the shop interrupts,
    You from BRAKPAN, right?
    Err….ja says Koos, how do you know?
    The owner says, This is a dry cleaner, you droos!

  • Comment 5, posted at 08.08.08 10:06:29 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Oom gaan dokter toe met ?n maag probleem.
    Dokter s?Jy sal ?n scope moet sluk oom
    Oom bly so rukkie stil…
    Boetie ek is ?n kerk mens, kan ek nie maar eerder ?n Landbou Weekblad sluk nie?

  • Comment 6, posted at 08.08.08 10:08:07 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

    The man thought a moment then replied? “A martini please.”

    The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

    The robot then asked, “Sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “Oh, About 164.”

    The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’, inter-stellar space travel’, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc…

    The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? “A martini please.”

    Again it was superb. The robot again asked “What is your IQ sir?”

    This time the man answered, “Oh about 100″. So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

    The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool…. Again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″.

    The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

    “A-r-e y-o-u a – B-l-u-e – B-u-l-l s-u-p-p-o-r-t-e-r-?????:”

  • Comment 7, posted at 08.08.08 10:14:20 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
    give up my seat to a lady.
    Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
    Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy?s lap.

  • Comment 8, posted at 08.08.08 10:25:26 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • Sipho and Jonas are both beggars at several highway off ramps. Sipho
    drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house in Sandton, and has
    a lot of money to spend. Jonas only brings in R20 to R30 a day.

    Jonas asks Sipho how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of R10
    notes every day. Sipho says; look at your sign, it says, I have no work, a wife
    and six kids to support. South Africans who see that do not feel as if
    they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and
    a large family.

    Now look at my sign.

    So Jonas looks and Sipho?s sign reads, I only need another R10 to move back to Zimbabwe.

  • Comment 9, posted at 08.08.08 10:25:47 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • i think this guy is talking bout me… :mrgreen:

    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
    millionaire?
    Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
    Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
    married her?
    Millionaire: A Billionaire

  • Comment 10, posted at 08.08.08 10:26:33 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Die boer het 3 kinders. Die oudste gaan universiteit toe, en sy soek ?n nuwe kar. Die 2de oudste gaan matriek toe en hy soek ?n Honda. Die 3de lighty gaan skool begin en hy wil sy tricycle veruil vir ?n bicycle. Die boer roep die kids bymekaar en verduidelik hoe swaar gaan dit op die plaas, en aangesien hy so pas ?n nuwe trekker gekoop het, moet almal maar ry wat hulle het…die twee groot kinders verstaan, maar klein Jan loop na buite, skop die klippe en gaan sit by die boom. Net toe kom haan en hen verby en haan wil vir hen bykom. Jannie staan op, skop arme haan dat hy daaaaar trek en se: Hier word phokkol gery nie, nie voordat daai phokken groen trekker klaar betaal is nie!!

  • Comment 11, posted at 08.08.08 10:28:37 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A teacher asks her class,If there are 5birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,how many will be left?
    She calls on little Neville.
    He replies,None,they will all fly away with the first gunshot.

    The teacher replies,The correct answer is4,but I like your thinking.

    Then little Nevillesays,I have a question for YOU.

    There are 3women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting the top of the ice cream.
    Which one is married?

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Well, I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

    To which Little Neville replied, The correct answer is ?the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

  • Comment 12, posted at 08.08.08 10:30:58 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me my pretty face or
    my sexy body? He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like
    your sense of humour.

    :twisted:

  • Comment 13, posted at 08.08.08 10:32:57 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
    you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
    Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

  • Comment 14, posted at 08.08.08 10:34:01 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, Business. I?m going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France.

    He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What?s your business role at this convention?

    Lecturer, she responded. I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

    Really, he smiled, What myths are those?

    Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it?s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent.

    We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the Afrikaner.

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. I?m sorry, she said, I really shouldn?t be discussing this with you; I don?t even know your name.

    Running Bear, the man said……Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Frik. . . .

  • Comment 15, posted at 08.08.08 10:35:37 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 2) :

    @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 6) :

    BRILLIANT!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

  • Comment 16, posted at 08.08.08 10:35:44 by Big Fish Reply
    Author
    Big FishAssistant coach
     
  • @Big Fish (Comment 16) :

    Why, Thank you…. :wink:

  • Comment 17, posted at 08.08.08 10:38:09 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A woman went to a Pick & Pay service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won?t work. The clerk told her that he can?t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

    PINCH MY NIP PLES,
    PINCH MY NIP PLES,
    PINCH MY NIP PLES!!!!!!

    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
    in front of a growing crowd of customers! .

    The manager comes to the woman and asks,Ma?am what?s wrong?
    She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
    he can?t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

    PINCH MY NIP PLES,
    PINCH MY NIP PLES,
    PINCH MY NIP PLES!!!
    and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

    In shock, the store manager pleads,
    Ma?am, why are you saying that?

    In a huff, the woman says,

    BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIP PLES PINCHED
    WHEN I?M BEING SCRE WED!!

    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

  • Comment 18, posted at 08.08.08 10:47:38 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Hello, is this the South African Police??
    ?Eish-Yes. What you want??
    ?I?m calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga inside his firewood.?
    ?Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operashun and informashun in combatingcrime and violence, in our society suh?
    The next day, the SAP descends on Hendrik?s house. They search the braai lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece ofwood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
    The phone rings at Hendrik?s house.
    ?Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come??
    ?Ja!?
    ?Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight??
    ?…Ja….?
    ?Happy Birthday Boet!?

  • Comment 19, posted at 08.08.08 10:49:48 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Comment 20, posted at 08.08.08 11:04:19 by bryce_in_oz Reply

    bryce_in_ozCurrie Cup player
     
  • Gee Ice , you on a roll!

  • Comment 21, posted at 08.08.08 11:26:43 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • @Pokkel (Comment 21) :

    Just SO fricken happy its Friday! :razz:

  • Comment 22, posted at 08.08.08 11:28:25 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
    *****

    A boy asks his granny, Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?
    Granny replies, #### the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
    ******

    Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
    Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, Dad, what?s love juice?
    Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
    Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
    Dad says, So what were you watching?
    Billy says, Wimbledon.

  • Comment 23, posted at 08.08.08 11:29:39 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Nominated as best short joke this year …
    A 3-year-old boy examined his test icles while taking a bath.
    ?Mum?, he asked, ?Are these my brains??
    ?Not yet,? she replied.

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 24, posted at 08.08.08 11:33:24 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 24) : :)

  • Comment 25, posted at 08.08.08 11:40:11 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
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  • Ouma en oupa gaan dokter toe. Oupa vra dokter vir viagra en ouma soek anti-biotika.
    Dokter vra: “Hoekom soek mevrou dan anti-biotika as die oom viagra soek?”
    Ouma: “Is dokter al met ‘n geroeste spyker gesteek?”

  • Comment 26, posted at 08.08.08 11:54:22 by Kal-El Reply

    Kal-ElCurrie Cup player
     
  • @Kal-El (Comment 26) :

    Hey Superman! :mrgreen:

  • Comment 27, posted at 08.08.08 12:03:53 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • In die restaurant
    Die blondine sit in die restaurant.
    Die kelner vra haar: Sop vir u?
    Sy antwoord: Pasop vir jou ook!

  • Comment 28, posted at 08.08.08 12:43:29 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • England 66/2

  • Comment 29, posted at 08.08.08 12:49:10 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • Hoekom staan 17 blondes buite die kroeg en wag?
    Want hulle moet 18 wees om in te kan gaan.

  • Comment 30, posted at 08.08.08 12:50:39 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • Die polisie vang Gatiep een aand met 4 krewe.

    Meneer, het jy n lisensie om die krewe te vang?!

    Nee se Gatiep, is my troetel diertjies. Ek bring hulle elke aand uit om a bietjie te swem.

    Na n rukkie dan fluit ek dan kom hulle na me toe en dan stap ons huis toe.

    Polisie: “Maar jy lieg mos nou meneer!!”

    Gatiep: “Nee meneer!! Kom ek wys jou dan!?!!”

    Gatiep sit die krewe in die water en da gan die krewe…

    Na n rukkie vra die polisieman, “Wanne gan jy vir hulle fluit?”

    Gatiep…

    Vir wie fluit?”

    Polisie: “Vir die krewe!!”

    Gatiep…

    Watte krewe?!!”

  • Comment 31, posted at 08.08.08 12:52:00 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • Howcome nobody has posted the WP team as a funny yet?

  • Comment 32, posted at 08.08.08 12:54:48 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • New Golfing terms

    1. A ‘James Joyce’ – —– a putt that’s an impossible read.

    2. A ‘Rock Hudson’ – —– it looked straight, but wasn’t.

    3. A ‘Saddam Hussein’ —— from one bunker into another.

    4. A ‘Yasser Arafat’ ———- butt ugly and in the sand.

    5. A ‘John Kennedy Jr’ ——– didn’t make it over the water.

    6. A ‘Rodney King’ ——— over-clubbed.

    7. An ‘O.J. Simpson’ ———- got away with it.

    8. A ‘Princess Grace’ ——— should have used a driver.

    9. A ‘Princess Di’ ——– shouldn’t have used a driver.

    10. A ‘Paris Hilton’ ———- a very expensive hole.

    11. A ‘Rush Limbaugh’ ——— a bit too far to the right.

    12. A ‘Nancy Pelosi’ ———- way too far to the left.

    13. A ‘Barbra Streisand’ ———- ugly but still working.

    14. A ‘Teddy Kennedy’ ———- goes in the water, but jumps out.

  • Comment 33, posted at 08.08.08 12:56:58 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 27) :
    Hey Soulja Girl

  • Comment 34, posted at 08.08.08 12:57:37 by Kal-El Reply

    Kal-ElCurrie Cup player
     
  • Gotta pee…

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she wo uld take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

    The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, ‘These girl nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst… My wife came home with no panties!!’

    ‘That’s nothing,’ said the other husband, ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said…..

    ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you!’

  • Comment 35, posted at 08.08.08 12:59:00 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @McLovin (Comment 29) :
    Is that the same as England 33? :razz:

  • Comment 36, posted at 08.08.08 13:00:49 by Kal-El Reply

    Kal-ElCurrie Cup player
     
  • @Kal-El (Comment 34) :

    Which “Soulja” you meaning? :cool:

  • Comment 37, posted at 08.08.08 13:13:29 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
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  • @Kal-El (Comment 36) : :roll:

  • Comment 38, posted at 08.08.08 13:15:21 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 37) : :shock: :roll:

  • Comment 39, posted at 08.08.08 13:26:27 by Kal-El Reply

    Kal-ElCurrie Cup player
     
  • C’mon now, Blonde one, do not let these buffoons deter you. You kept me chuckling, even if I had to keep on “refreshing” the site myself. :grin:

  • Comment 40, posted at 08.08.08 13:27:19 by Silver Fox Reply

    Silver FoxCurrie Cup player
     
  • A divorced man meets his ex-wifes new husband at a party.
    Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy & asks him: ?So…How do you like using second hand stuff ?
    The new husband replies : ? It is?nt that bad.Past the first 3 inches its all brand new?.

  • Comment 41, posted at 08.08.08 13:54:30 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
    I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
    The next time I see you, you?ll have lost at least 2 kilograms.
    When the blonde returns, she?s lost nearly 10 kilograms.
    Why, that?s amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?
    The blonde nods. I?ll tell you, though; I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
    From hunger, you mean? Asked the doctor.
    No, from all that skipping.

  • Comment 42, posted at 08.08.08 13:55:11 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • 111/3

  • Comment 43, posted at 08.08.08 13:55:18 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • Vrou: Dokter, ek het niks van my 15 jaar huwelik nie……..en sy
    vertel
    van haar man se swakhede, geen liefde of aanraking of komplimente nie, en na
    15 minute vra die Raadgewer haar om na hom te kom. Hy druk haar styf teen hom vas, soen haar in die nek en op die mond. Die vrou gaan in ?n trans, en die dokter se vir die man. Dit is wat jou vrou nodig het, drie maal per week. Kan jy dit doen ?

    Man: Wel dokter, ek kan haar Maandae en Woensdae hier aflaai, maar
    Vrydae vang ek vis.

  • Comment 44, posted at 08.08.08 13:55:49 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the pharmacist straight in his eyes & said, I would like to buy some cyanide.
    The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide? The woman replied, I need it to poison my husband. The pharmacist?s eyes got big and he exclaimed, Lord, have mercy! I can?t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That?s against the law! My license! They?ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide! The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist?s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well, now, that?s different. You didn?t tell me you had a prescription.

  • Comment 45, posted at 08.08.08 13:56:58 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban, when one is
    attacked by a vicious Rottweiler.

    Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to
    wedge it down the dog?s collar and twist,luckily breaking the dog?s
    neck and stopping its attack.

    A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over
    to interview the boy.
    Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts
    writing in his notebook.

    But I?m not a Sharks fan, the little hero replied. Sorry, since
    we are in Durban, I just assumed you were, said the reporter
    and starts again.

    Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,… he continued
    writing in his notebook.

    I?m not a Stormers fan either!, the boy said. I assumed everyone In Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers.

    So what team DO you root for? the reporter asked.

    I?m a Blue Bulls fan!, the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

    Little ####er from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet.

  • Comment 46, posted at 08.08.08 13:57:33 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • BIOLOGY FINAL EXAM

    Students in Biology class were taking their final exam. The last
    question was, Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk, worth 70 points
    or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

    He wrote:

    1. It is perfect formula for the child.
    2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3. It is always at the right temperature.
    4. It is inexpensive.
    5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6. It is always available as needed.
    And then, the student was stuck.
    Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he
    wrote:

    7. It comes in really awesome containers.

    He got an A

  • Comment 47, posted at 08.08.08 13:58:01 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • It was the morning after the Boks had beaten the Wallabies at Newlands. Gatiep was sitting down to breakfast, looking about as hale and hearty as a Wallaby. His wife, Meraai, gave him a look that was cold enough to curdle bacon. ?Is djy dan nou weer lekka de donner in omlat ek vanm?drie-uur bietjie onner die weer van Newlands af gekom het?? asked Gatiep, clutching his aching head. ?Nei,? neighed Meraai. ?Nou is djy dan nou de donner in omlat ek by die huis ingeval het met ?n blou ogietjie?? ?Nei, Djy?t hom nie gehad toe djy by die huis ingeval het nie.?

  • Comment 48, posted at 08.08.08 14:00:48 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Rob,
    Please change heading to I’CE Funnies

    OR

    Ice,
    Change your nick to “I’ce (Rebel With a Joke)

  • Comment 49, posted at 08.08.08 14:36:59 by Kal-El Reply

    Kal-ElCurrie Cup player
     
  • Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    C’s

    C’s who?

    C’s the day!

  • Comment 50, posted at 08.08.08 14:37:21 by McLovin Reply

    McLovinAssistant coach
     
  • Mag ek vir julle ‘n Namakwalandse grappie gooi? :oops:

  • Comment 51, posted at 08.08.08 14:41:50 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • @PaarlBok (Comment 51) :

    Ek gee jou permission… :wink:

  • Comment 52, posted at 08.08.08 14:51:32 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • OK die mods moet maar delete. :cool:
    During the old Anglo Boere war the english soldier goes through the farms looking for Boers to kill exct. So this soldier pitch up near Mesklip in Namakwaland and knock on the farm house door.

    Those days the Boere was busy with the war and the wives and kids stay at home. So the young boer girls, round her teens run to the door and open it. The English soldier ask:” Where is the people?” She run back in the house to her mom and say” Ma hier is ‘n engelsman hier buite en wil my poephol sien” Well the mum went into a state of shock and decided she can let her girl do this and take it up on herself. She ran back to the front door and show her poephol to the soldier. He obvious shake his head and said” Oh what a disgrace” She look around and told him”Ja my doos is nou grys maar op sy dag was dit ‘n bul van ‘n doos”

  • Comment 53, posted at 08.08.08 14:54:39 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • Oh dear. Do we need parental control on this thread?

  • Comment 54, posted at 08.08.08 15:01:09 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • Surely the English soldier would ask ‘where ARE the people’? :-)

  • Comment 55, posted at 08.08.08 15:03:36 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • This one is about the teacher that took her class in the veld in one of their projects. Obvious she have to warned them about all the dangers there are. The biggest one when a snake bite you. She told them they have to look if they can see two holes then they know thats goodbye.

    So the walk in the veld and suddenly the teacher, a woman, getting a pie. So decide to walk around a bush and what we call start a veld fire. So she sit on a pendoring. Anyway she jumps up and thought this is a emergency. In her haste she get little Jannie (always the guilty part) and ask him if he can she two holes. Jannie notch his head and she ask him “What do they look like? He answer” Die een lyk soos ‘n toegetrekte twaksak en die ander een soos ‘n gebarste tube”

  • Comment 56, posted at 08.08.08 15:10:13 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • This one is about the teacher that took her class in the veld in one of their projects. Obvious she have to warned them about all the dangers there are. The biggest one when a snake bite you. She told them they have to look if they can see two holes then they know thats goodbye.

    So the walk in the veld and suddenly the teacher, a woman, getting a pie. So decide to walk around a bush and what we call start a veld fire. So she sit on a pendoring. Anyway she jumps up and thought this is a emergency. In her haste she get little Jannie (always the guilty part) and ask him if he can see two holes. Jannie notch his head and she ask him “What do they look like? He answer” Die een lyk soos ‘n toegetrekte twaksak en die ander een soos ‘n gebarste tube”

  • Comment 57, posted at 08.08.08 15:10:45 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • Sorry posted two times. Kraai op die draad. :roll:

    A guy out on the pis on a the night out . Waking up the next morning telling his wife about a strange happening during the early morning. Went to the toilet and after opening the door the light came on automatically and after closing the door it shut down also automatically. Wifes response: Dad did you pis in the freeze again?

  • Comment 58, posted at 08.08.08 15:13:01 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • @robdylan (Comment 55) :

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 59, posted at 08.08.08 15:20:54 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 59) : Blondie, what have you done now!! :shock:

  • Comment 60, posted at 08.08.08 15:22:35 by Silver Fox Reply

    Silver FoxCurrie Cup player
     
  • Elke keer as die Lions wen spring my hond op sy agterbene en klap sy pootjies se Van.
    Wragties, se Kallie, en as hulle verloor?
    Dan maak hy somersaults Se Van.
    Hoeveel somersaults vra Kallie.
    Se Van, hang af van hoe hard ek hom skop

  • Comment 61, posted at 08.08.08 15:24:02 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Jannie en sy Pa sit op die stoep in doodse stilte toe Jannie skielik vra :

    “Pa?”, vra hy, “wat’s ‘n doos?”

    Pa proes in sy koffie. “Man ou seun…” seg hy, terwyl hy die koffie uit sy skoot uit opvee, “gaan kyk daar in pa se hangkas dan bring jy daar vir my ‘n Loslyf” seg hy.

    Jannie hol met ‘n kakspoed kamer toe en is spoedig terug met die betrokke glanstydskrif in die hand.

    Sy pa loer so na hom uit die hoek van sy oog en sê “blaai daar na bladsy 32 toe”. Jannie maak so.

    Dis ‘n foto van ‘n dame in al haar glorie, met 2 sterretjies bo en 1 sterretjie onder, op die strategiese plekke.

    “Nou sien jy daai sterretjie daar onder?” vra pa.

    Jannie knik sy kop.

    “Nou die ou wat daai sterretjie daar gesit het,…… hy’s ‘n doos!”

  • Comment 62, posted at 08.08.08 15:28:21 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • OK ek is klaar. My goodie vir die Vrydag “Sterkte vir vanaand op Nuweland” :idea:

  • Comment 63, posted at 08.08.08 15:36:27 by PaarlBok Reply

    PaarlBokCurrie Cup player
     
  • @PaarlBok (Comment 53) :

    lol.

  • Comment 64, posted at 08.08.08 15:56:16 by VinChainSaw Reply
    Author
    VinChainSawTeam captain
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 2) :

    LoL…very good…

  • Comment 65, posted at 08.08.08 16:29:38 by Hmmm Reply

    HmmmSuper Rugby player
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 61) :
    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  • Comment 66, posted at 08.08.08 17:22:14 by Big Fish Reply
    Author
    Big FishAssistant coach
     
  • @Big Fish (Comment 66) : shouldn’t you be at Newlands?

  • Comment 67, posted at 08.08.08 17:25:12 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • @robdylan (Comment 67) :
    I live 3 km away dude – take a chill pill.

    I’m still waiting for a bloody reply to my email since you seem to have time on your paws… :evil:

  • Comment 68, posted at 08.08.08 17:41:03 by Big Fish Reply
    Author
    Big FishAssistant coach
     
  • @Big Fish (Comment 68) : So am I… :twisted:

  • Comment 69, posted at 08.08.08 17:44:23 by Silver Fox Reply

    Silver FoxCurrie Cup player
     
  • To good NOT to add even if is IS Saturday.

    Speeding in Ireland – Good, Better and Best

    GOOD: :mrgreen: Wexford: Garda Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren’t getting many.
    Then they discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up
    the road with a hand painted sign, which read SPEED TRAP AHEAD’. The garda also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money
    (And we used to just sell strawberries!)

    BETTER: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an automated speed check on the N4. A EUR80 speeding ticket was included.
    Being cute, he sent the gardai a photo of EUR80.
    The Gardai responded with another mailed photo – of handcuffs.

    BEST: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding.
    A Traffic Corps Garda walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
    Garda Traffic Department Ball.’
    He replied, ‘The Garda Traffic Department don’t have balls…..’
    There was a moment of silence.
    He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

  • Comment 70, posted at 09.08.08 07:24:51 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 24) :

    :mrgreen: EXCELLENT!!!!!! :mrgreen:

  • Comment 71, posted at 09.08.08 07:43:58 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

    1 It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

    3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

    4. It ‘s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

    5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

  • Comment 72, posted at 09.08.08 08:04:51 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Just found this article! :lol:

  • Comment 73, posted at 28.09.11 02:09:53 by Ben Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
    BenAssistant coach
     
  • Jeepers it’s so quite on sharksworld.

    Let’s revive this thread and add some fresh jokes.

  • Comment 74, posted at 16.11.12 09:55:51 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • @Pokkel (Comment 74) :

    I have a joke for you:

    Lions rugby! :twisted:

  • Comment 75, posted at 16.11.12 10:29:41 by wpw Reply
    Author
    wpwAssistant coach
     
  • - Feminists. If you hate men so much, why are you always trying to be like us?

    - I hate being bipolar. It’s awesome!

    - Saw a fat girl at the gym today. She had an iPad strapped on her arm…

    - If a girl picks an iron in Monopoly, she’s a keeper.

  • Comment 76, posted at 16.11.12 10:33:04 by wpw Reply
    Author
    wpwAssistant coach
     
  • When a woman says “It’s okay”, “I’m fine”, or “Don’t worry about it”, it’s not okay, she’s not fine, and you should definitely worry about it! :mrgreen:

  • Comment 77, posted at 16.11.12 10:33:40 by wpw Reply
    Author
    wpwAssistant coach
     
  • Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.

  • Comment 78, posted at 16.11.12 10:35:40 by wpw Reply
    Author
    wpwAssistant coach
     
  • Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!

  • Comment 79, posted at 16.11.12 10:38:31 by wpw Reply
    Author
    wpwAssistant coach
     
  • @wpw (Comment 79) : :lol: :lol:

  • Comment 80, posted at 16.11.12 10:39:04 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • New Sex Position: The Sharks Position
    You lie on top the whole time and then you come second :oops:

  • Comment 81, posted at 16.11.12 10:44:13 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
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  • @JarsonX (Comment 81) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 82, posted at 16.11.12 10:50:05 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order – as they should be.

  • Comment 83, posted at 16.11.12 10:52:16 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Wes in scary form this morning

  • Comment 84, posted at 16.11.12 10:54:23 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • @JarsonX (Comment 81) : could explain why the Sharks have so many female fans…? :)

  • Comment 85, posted at 16.11.12 10:58:43 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • SCOTTISH COMPASSION:
    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
    Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
    The English woman said “Have you ever had a hug?” The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
    The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
    The Scottish woman came to him and said, “‘huv ye ever been fucked, laddie?” The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.
    She said, “Aye, well ye will be soon……….. the tide’s coming in.”

  • Comment 86, posted at 16.11.12 10:58:45 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

    A young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

    When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

    St. Peter said, I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
    The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

    Yes, he informs the couple, you can get married in Heaven.

    Great! said the couple, “ But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

    Jesus Christ! says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

    What’s wrong? asked the frightened couple.

    OH, COME ON! St. Peter shouted, “ It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer? ”

  • Comment 87, posted at 16.11.12 10:59:33 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 86) :

    :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 88, posted at 16.11.12 11:00:34 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 86) : I actually think that is my favourite joke in the history of the world. Ever.

  • Comment 89, posted at 16.11.12 11:01:04 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 87) : :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 90, posted at 16.11.12 11:02:11 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
    experience shoeing horses.

    He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f**k off!

  • Comment 91, posted at 16.11.12 11:02:14 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 87) : :lol:

  • Comment 92, posted at 16.11.12 11:03:25 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

    He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

    Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?”

    Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”

  • Comment 93, posted at 16.11.12 11:06:09 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • How do you know you are really drunk?
    When you swerve to avoid a tree and then realise it’s that nice smelling thing hanging from your mirror.

  • Comment 94, posted at 16.11.12 11:08:11 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
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  • An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
    He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

    “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

    “My wife’s.”

    ”What happened to her?”

    “She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

    He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

    The Italian man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife, when the dog turned on her.”

    A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
    passed between the two men.

    “Can I borrow the dog?”

    The man replied, “Get in line.”

  • Comment 95, posted at 16.11.12 11:09:08 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Comment 96, posted at 16.11.12 11:09:41 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 87) : @KSA Shark © (Comment 86) : :lol:

  • Comment 97, posted at 16.11.12 11:09:43 by JarsonX Reply
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  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 95) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 98, posted at 16.11.12 11:11:14 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
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  • Mommy Lion and Daddy Lion were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Lion, “So Baby Lion, do you want to live with Daddy Lion?” “Oh, no,” Baby Lion replied, “I don’t want to live with Daddy Lion. He beats me.” “Well then, you should live with Mommy Lion,” answered the judge. “On, no, I don’t want to live with Mommy Lion. She beats me.” “Well then, Baby Lion, who do you want to live with?” Baby Lion said, “I want to live with the Golden Lions. They don’t beat anybody!”

  • Comment 99, posted at 16.11.12 11:12:36 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • @robdylan (Comment 96) :

    I nearly cried I laughed so much when I saw that for the first time yesterday.

  • Comment 100, posted at 16.11.12 11:13:04 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

    THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.

    SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

  • Comment 101, posted at 16.11.12 11:13:45 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @JarsonX (Comment 94) : Why do I suspect that is a true story….? :lol:

  • Comment 102, posted at 16.11.12 11:14:16 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Teacher: “Do you know what comes after 69?”
    Little Johnny: “Mouthwash.”
    Teacher: “Get out of my class!!” :oops:

  • Comment 103, posted at 16.11.12 11:14:34 by The Sharks Sharkie Reply
    Author
    The Sharks SharkieVodacom Cup player
     
  • A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

    The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
    “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
    While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

    So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

    After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”

    “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”.

  • Comment 104, posted at 16.11.12 11:18:22 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

  • Comment 105, posted at 16.11.12 11:18:24 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • @Ice (Comment 102) : It probably is, but not mine though :mrgreen:

  • Comment 106, posted at 16.11.12 11:18:37 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
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  • A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

    “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

    So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

    The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

  • Comment 107, posted at 16.11.12 11:19:29 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, “Whoa!!!, I don’t remember eating that!”

  • Comment 108, posted at 16.11.12 11:20:45 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • :lol: :lol: :lol:

  • Comment 109, posted at 16.11.12 11:22:23 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
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  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 104) : :evil: :evil: :evil:

  • Comment 110, posted at 16.11.12 11:22:53 by The Sharks Sharkie Reply
    Author
    The Sharks SharkieVodacom Cup player
     
  • A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

  • Comment 111, posted at 16.11.12 11:24:36 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A slut is like the first piece of bread in the packet. Everybody touches it, but nobody really wants it.

  • Comment 112, posted at 16.11.12 11:25:12 by The Sharks Sharkie Reply
    Author
    The Sharks SharkieVodacom Cup player
     
  • A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says “I was taught to be thorough.” The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says “I was taught to be environmentally friendly.” The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says “I was taught not to p*ss on my hands.”

  • Comment 113, posted at 16.11.12 11:26:12 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Paddy tells his wife “My arsehole is really burning, I’ve no idea what it is!?”

    “Ring sting” His wife says

    Paddy replies “Don’t be stupid, how the f*ck would he know!?”

  • Comment 114, posted at 16.11.12 11:31:31 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @The Sharks Sharkie (Comment 110) : :?:

  • Comment 115, posted at 16.11.12 11:33:12 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

  • Comment 116, posted at 16.11.12 11:34:45 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 114) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 117, posted at 16.11.12 11:34:50 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 115) : That joke had my stomach juices churning…

  • Comment 118, posted at 16.11.12 11:36:51 by The Sharks Sharkie Reply
    Author
    The Sharks SharkieVodacom Cup player
     
  • British Riot and immigration jokes. (NOT PC)

    Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements.
    ========

    Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who’s English.
    Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
    ========

    Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
    I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
    ========

    They’ve had to cancel the panto ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :
    Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen
    =======

    Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
    But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
    =======

  • Comment 119, posted at 16.11.12 11:38:53 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • A favourite.

    Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen.”

    Husband texts back: “pour some luke warm water over it.”

    Wife texts back: “computer completely f*cked now.”

  • Comment 120, posted at 16.11.12 11:39:28 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 120) :

    Bwahahaha…..

  • Comment 121, posted at 16.11.12 11:43:47 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
    Assistant coach
     
  • Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments “Boy, I would like to f** her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said “Out of what”?

  • Comment 122, posted at 16.11.12 11:45:37 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

    Upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem – the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

    While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management were made aware of Dai, a big Welsh lad from the Rhondda. Dai, like most Rhondda boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution.

    Dai was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for £500?

    Dai showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

    The following day, Dai announced that he would accept their offer,only under three conditions:

    “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her.”

    “Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.”

    The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    “Well,” said Dai…….. “could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid?”

  • Comment 123, posted at 16.11.12 11:45:38 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Advertensie in koerant

    * Te koop: Koeie, kallers, nog nie geteel nie. Ook een gay bul.

    * Gratis Yorkshire TERRIER. 8 jaar oud. Haatlike klein pes. Byt.

    * Gratis klein hondjies 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 slinkse brak van die bure.

    * Gratis Klein hondjies. Ma, ‘n Kennel Klub registreerde Duitse
    Herdershond. Pa, Superhond….. in staat om oor hoë heinings met een haal
    te spring.

    * Gaan aansluit by nudistekolonie! Moet wasmasjien verkoop.

    * Trourok te koop. Slegs een maal per ongeluk aangetrek. Bel Stephanie.

    * Te koop: Volledige stel Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
    Uitstekende toestand…..R320 of hoogste aanbod. Nie langer benodig;
    verlede maand getroud. Vrou weet alles

  • Comment 124, posted at 16.11.12 11:45:58 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
    JarsonXAssistant coach
     
  • A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

  • Comment 125, posted at 16.11.12 11:47:53 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.” The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”

  • Comment 126, posted at 16.11.12 11:48:41 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Die seuntjie vra die juffrou om te help om sy skoene aan te trek. Sy probeer met ‘n gedruk en getrek om die vellies aan die kind se voete te kry. Teen die tyd wat sy by die tweede vellie kom breek daar al ‘n lagies sweet op haar voorkop uit en begin haar hare al slierte hang soos wat sy stoei om die vellies aan die kind se voetjies te kry.

    Dis toe dat die mannetjie so tussen sy vier afwesige voo…rtandjies se, “Juffrou hierie eerthte vellieth ith aan die verkeerde voet. Sy kyk en, so wrintiewaar, die vellie is aan die verkeerde voet. En die uittrek van die vellie aan die verkeerde voet gee toe nog ‘n gespook af.

    Die juffrou hou kop en begin toe weer om die vellies nou hierdie keer aan die regte voet aan te trek met steeds een helske gesukkel. Amper klaar kondig die mannetjie aan “Juffrou hierie ith nie my vellieth nie” Die juffrou byt amper haar tong af van verergelikheid, maar hou kop en sê kalm “Hoekom het jy nie vroëer gepraat nie?” En die gestoei begin weer om die vellies uit te trek. Pas is die vellies uit of meneertjie sê weer “ Dith my boetie the vellieth wat my ma my maak dra het vanoggend.”

    Die juffrou sluk droog en skraap al haar moed by mekaar en begin weer stoei om die vellies aan die voetjies te sit. Uiteindelik is hulle aan die voetjies.

    Die mannetjie trek aan die juffrou se baadjie en vra verlee “Juffrou wat van my kouthe?”

    Juffrou skree “ Nou waar is jou kouse”??!!

    Die knapie sê ewe kordaat terug. “Ek het dit voor in die vellieth gebêre”.

  • Comment 127, posted at 16.11.12 11:49:13 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
    JarsonXAssistant coach
     
  • Hehehehehehehehehe

    Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
    thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to
    discuss the problem.

    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
    perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    ‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from
    her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
    you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
    response.’

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In
    the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what
    happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
    wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
    Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey,
    what’s for dinner?’

    Again there is no response..

    So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    (I just love this)

    ‘For Heaven’s sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

  • Comment 128, posted at 16.11.12 11:49:39 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Exercise jokes.

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

    I like long walks,especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

    I joined a health club last year, spent about £250 .
    Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!

    Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. :mrgreen:

    The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

    I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    AND

    Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

  • Comment 129, posted at 16.11.12 11:54:25 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @JarsonX (Comment 127) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 130, posted at 16.11.12 11:59:05 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • Dating in 1960

    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

    He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

    ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?

    Lemonade? Iced tea?’

    ‘Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

    ‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked.

    ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,

    maybe take a walk on the beach…’

    ‘Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mom informed him.

    ‘Really?’ Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

    ‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued,

    ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’

    ‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.

    ‘Yes,’ said the mother.

    ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’

    ‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,

    wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

    She greeted Fred.

    ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.

    Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

    ‘The Twist, Mom!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

    ‘The bloody dance is called the Twist!’

  • Comment 131, posted at 16.11.12 11:59:30 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 131) : :twisted:

  • Comment 132, posted at 16.11.12 12:01:39 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
    JarsonXAssistant coach
     
  • @JarsonX (Comment 127) : Bwhahahahahha

  • Comment 133, posted at 16.11.12 12:01:49 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 128) : Hahaha – that sounds like my dad!

  • Comment 134, posted at 16.11.12 12:06:40 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q : I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

    Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
    A: So what’s your question?

    Q : My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

    Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
    A: Not unless the word ‘child support payment’ means anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A: Not if you change the baby’s nappy very quickly.

    Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A: When the kids are in university.

  • Comment 135, posted at 16.11.12 12:07:44 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Priest: Why are you sitting alone here in the graveyard. Aren’t you here for the funeral in the chapel?

    Man: Yesm father, it’s my Mother-in-law’s, but I was thrown out…when the music started playing, I was the only one dancing…

  • Comment 136, posted at 16.11.12 12:10:10 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Author
    IceAssistant coach
     
  • As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong ?
    He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

    I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error ? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

    Eric grinned …. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

    ‘No,’ I replied.

    ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

    So I wrote down:
    ID10T
    I used to like Eric, the littlebastard.

  • Comment 137, posted at 16.11.12 12:12:18 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
    Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

    About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
    Could we please do it one more time?’
    Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
    He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please… Just one more time before I die.’
    She says, ‘Of course, dear,’ and they make love for the third time.

    After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
    Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.
    He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…’

    At this point the wife sits up and says, ‘Listen Morris , I have to get up in the morning… You don’t. :shock:

  • Comment 138, posted at 16.11.12 12:20:29 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • @Ice (Comment 136) : :lol:

  • Comment 139, posted at 16.11.12 12:21:05 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©Head Coach
     
  • Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

  • Comment 140, posted at 16.11.12 12:47:55 by MysticShark Reply
    Competition Winner
    MysticSharkTeam captain
     
  • The manager of a SPAR somewhere in Pretoria sees an old lady wandering up and down the fresh produce section, looking confused. He goes to her and asks her if he can help her:

    Manager: “Can I help you, madam?”
    Lady: “I want to buy broccoli.”
    Manager: “Sorry, madam, but the broccoli is sold out.”
    Lady: “Oh, OK.”

    Manager goes back to his game of Solitaire, but not long after again notices the old lady. This time she´s wandering up and down the frozen foods fridges.

    Manager: “Anything else I can help you with, madam?”
    Lady: “Yes please. I want to buy broccoli.”
    Manager: “Sorry, madam, unfortunately we don´t have ANY broccoli at all.”
    Lady: “Oh, I see.”

    Manager goes back to his computer, but keeps his eye on the old goose. Soon, she´s messing up his canned food merchandising.

    Manager: “Still looking for broccoli, madam?”
    Lady: “Yes.”
    Manager: “Madam, can you spell the CAT in CATASTROPHIC?
    Lady: “Yes, of course.”
    Manager: “Can you spell the DOG in DOGMATIC?”
    Lady: “Of course, I´m not stupid!”
    Manager: Can you spell the FUCK in BROCCOLI?”
    Lady: “There is no fuck in broccoli!”

    Manager: “THAT`S WHAT I`VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!”

  • Comment 141, posted at 16.11.12 16:32:19 by rhineshark Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    Spirit of RugbyTeam captain
     
  • Die ou oom gaan dokter toe vir sy jaarlikse check-up. So deur die ondersoekery lyk die oom vir die jong dokter so half peinsend.

    Dok: “Het oom ietsie op die hart?”
    Oom: “Ja, dok. Eintlik is dit iets persoonliks.”
    Dok: “Toemaar oom. Ons ken mekaar mos nou al lank.”
    Oom: “Goed so, ek sal maar vra.”
    Dok: “Gaan voort.”

    Oom: (maak sy keel skoon) “Toe ek so ‘n jong manietjie was in my twintigs toe het dit vreeslik swaar gegaan om my, uhm, mannetjie af te buig as ek in die oggende by die troon ‘n watertjie afgeslaan het. Moes myself dubbel vou om die mikkery reg te kry!”

    Dok: “Ja, oom?”

    Oom: “Toe ek so oud soos jy word, so in my veertigs, toe kon ek hom amper halfpad afbuig. Dit het moeite gevat, maar ek kon dit doen.”

    Dok: (wonder waar gaan die oom hiermee) “Ja, oom?”

    Oom: “Man, toe so in my sestigs kry ek hom driekwart ondertoe.”

    Dok: “Ja, oom?”

    Oom: “Nou is ek tagtig en ek druk hom sonder probleme loodreg af. Kan ek jou eerlike opinie kry?”

    Dok: “Natuurlik oom!”

    Oom: “Word ek al hoe sterker?”

  • Comment 142, posted at 16.11.12 17:06:51 by rhineshark Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    Spirit of RugbyTeam captain
     

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