Seeing as there isn’t much news coming out of any camps i thought ill post a few jokes just to keep things going.
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
“Well,” said the ref, “I was reffing a game between Northern Transvaal and Natal at Loftus Versveld. Northerns were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The Natal wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as Natal were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try.”
“OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book,” says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says, “Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?”
The ref looked at his watch and replied “45 seconds ago.”
Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and an Australian rugby fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Australian fan – twice.
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. “Well” said the doctor, “this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain”. “That’s OK” said the Englishman. “I’ve always wanted to be Irish and I’m prepared to take the risk”.
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. “I’m so terribly sorry!!” the doctor said. “Instead of removing half the brain, I’ve taken the whole brain out”. The patient replied, “No worries, mate!!”
Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked,” what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer,” I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an @rsehole!”
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the 7th day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet, replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance”.
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?”
“Yes” said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to an isolated land mass and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah” said God, “that’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humourous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable, strong-in-character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, “You said there will be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the b*ggers I’m putting next to them!”
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, “Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?” The man replies, “My God! Don’t look, it’s disgusting!”
Further down the road the wife says, “Look, another one!” and the husband says, “Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel.”
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg indulging in “self-abuse” on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager, “Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?”
The manager says, ‘S’truth mate, you expect a man with one leg to catch his own kangaroo?”
Mr Admin if any of this is in bad taste feel free to kick it offTweet