There comes a time in everyone’s life when they face the monumental challenge of pretending to do work on a Friday morning while watching their beloved Sharks.
Let’s get one thing straight: a bad Sharks game beats a good day at work, and day. But you know how it is, you’ve got your job to do and parking off in the work canteen for two hours watching the game on TV kinda looks bad. Your office phone rings off the hook, the emails pile up and pretty soon some anal retentive is wondering why you’re not at your desk. To add to your woes, it’s a sure bet in life that your immediate boss has absolutely no interest in sport, let alone rugby or the Sharks. And they’re just waiting for that chance to k*k you out.
Note, if you own your own business, or there’s absolutely no problem whatsoever with you taking two hours off to watch the game, be grateful. For the rest of us, here’s my guide to getting the most out of your Friday game.
The Pharmacy Visit
This is a tried and trusted gem, but it’ll only really enable you to watch the first half, and maybe a bit of the second. You call in and announce to the receptionist that you’re off to the pharmacy to get some meds because you’re feeling a little iffy. Because the pharmacy only opens at 9, no-one can really argue with your logic for being at least 45 minutes late. So sit back at home and enjoy the first half and time your drive to work during half time. If you actually are sick, bonus! Watch the whole game from home, you lucky guy.
Walking around with a piece of paper in your hand
The key to watching the game at work is to always look like you’re on your way to somewhere else. The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard comes from David Brent of The Office. He suggests always having a piece of official-looking paper in your hand. That way it’s obvious to any onlooker that you’re sorting something or the other out and that you’re merely parking off for a few seconds to check the score. Genius, isn’t it?
Breakfast Cereal and Coffee
Morning games are really handy because you can make yourself some cereal at work and enjoy it with a cup of that awful work coffee while watching the game. Take your time, only the most malevolent boss will tell you to hurry up and eat your cornflakes. This tactic works really well in conjunction with the ‘piece of paper’ trick (see above). Besides you can always go back for more tea and coffee, although I would set a limit on the number of cups of coffee otherwise you’ll be a gibbering wreck by the end of the game and totally useless for the rest of the day.
Ciggie in the mouth
For the smokers out there, a short and sweet method is to stand watching the game with a cold ciggie behind the ear or in the mouth. When someone walks into the TV area, merely mumble that you got distracted on your way to your smoke break. If the TV’s in the Smoker’s Room, bonus!
“You haven’t seen Hobbs, have you?”
Once again, a little trick best used in conjunction with the other methods above. When someone walks in on you in the TV area, ask them: ‘You haven’t seen ‘X’ in accounts have you, man, I’ve been looking all over for that guy.” Once again, it appears as if your presence in front of the TV is but a brief hiatus on your quest to somewhere else.
Brainstorming in the TV room??
This one is outrageous and should only be attempted by the most gifted of poker players. You act like you need your own quiet space, away from the maelstrom of your office, to think a little. With a blank pad of paper and a pen, look feverishly busy like you’re trying crack the biggest idea since Budweiser’s ‘Whazzup’ campaign. You might have to turn the volume down for this one, as no-one in their sane mind will believe you can concentrate with Hugh Bladen screaming ‘brrrilliiiannnt’ in your ear all the time.
Back to the desk
Now, at various junctures you might actually have to go back to your desk to create the illusion that you’re actually doing some work. Log on to Sharksworld and keep refreshing those live updates. A healthy combination of internet and TV time will give you the best possible viewing experience without arousing the suspicions of the megalomaniacs in the corner office. Pat yourself on the back, ninja, you’ve beaten the system. Work 0, Sharks 1.Tweet