Hi Guys and Gals,
Here is a thread for jokes, banter and anything you would like to say that is not “topic related”!
Have Fun and go for it!
Friday MengelmoesKardoes
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Thanx Ice!!
Whoopee!
I always wanted a thread where I could talk crap to boost my points
Did you hear about the dyslecsic tourist?
He wanted to blow a Zulufella
I just have to ask, what is MengelmoesKardoes?
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
@lostfish (Comment 4) : Its staunch afrikaans for mixed bag
@lostfish (Comment 4) : Its like a combination of various crap in a box
Mengelmoes: various stuff
Kardoes: box or paperbag
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget!
Furious, she screams, you promised you wouldn’t cheat again!
The husband replies, for Fuck’s sake, can’t you see I’m trying to cut down.
My joke … The Lions
An atheist was walking through the woods.
‘What majestic trees!, What powerful rivers!, What beautiful animals!’ He
said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that
the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. ………………………
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident.’
‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?’
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian’?
‘Very well,’ said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: ‘Lord
bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ
our Lord, Amen.
@lostfish (Comment 4) :
Sort of Pandora’s Box?
Mixed Box – something to that effect. It can also be a name for “punch” where you mix all your boose in the house and get motherless..
After having their 11th child, a Brakpan couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have anymore children…
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy but that it was expensive. (For people staying in Brakpan, paying more than R50 for anything other than booze, car accessories or a sound system, is expensive).
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Brakpan), light it, put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10! The man said: “Aag, yinne, I maait not be de cleverest oke in the wurlt, but I dussin see how putting a cherrie borm in a beer can, next to my ear, is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor…
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
“Wun, twooo, freee, forrr, faaaiife,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand…
This procedure also works in: Vereeniging, Vanderbijlpark, Springs, Bronkhorstspruit, Primrose, Eastgate, Carltonville, Orkney, Randfontein, Brits, Boksburg, Veldrif.
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 8) : @Richard Ferguson (Comment 5) : Hehehe
Om deesdae toetsrugby te kyk is dieselfde as om wildtuin toe te gaan: Jy
eet lekker biltong, drink lekker bier en kyk hoe kak die bokke!
The best comment of the 2010 FIFA Soccer World Cup South Africa:
“Vuvuzela is like wanking…
… the one doing it is the only one enjoying it!”
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 16) : lol!!!!!!!!!
@VanWilder (Comment 12) : I’m glad I moved out of Vereeniging recently, unfortunately I still work there
@Jarson (Comment 18) : Where’d you move to? Vanderbijl??
@Ice (Comment 19) : Hehehe! Sasolburg
A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife’s nipples while she was asleep. The next day, their driver died of poisoning……..
Can we please get one over the Cheetahs…. I’m sick of hearing all the time we lose to the Cheetahs: “Ja, die Sharks het weer hulle self dik geeet toe hulle by hulle ma en pa op Bloem gaan kuier het, en daarom kon hulle nie rugby speel nie.!!”
A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked Dad why? He answered so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum……
Cmon boys, just a liitle revenge for last years semi final will be great.
Though the cheetahs brought back some k@k memories of 2007 against the Bulls last weekend….
You guys are boring. Im off. Having an early one.
Up the Sharks!!!!!
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
“HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away…………..
“We’re down here .”
@diablo (Comment 26) : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!:HAHAHAHAHA!!! Brilllllliant!
@SharksRTB (Comment 22) : it’s a load of bollocks now anyway… we have hardly any cheetahs in the team now
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 6) :
@Jarson (Comment 7) :
@Ice (Comment 11) :
Thanks for the explanation – Afrikaans isn’t my strong point. Sad to say but my French is now better than my Afrikaans ever was.
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 8) : that’s awesome
I wish we could post pictures.. I have a load of those!!
Granpa was sitting on the verandah without any pants on. His gransdon came walking passed and was shocked! “granpa, Why are you sitting here without your pants???”
Granpa, staring at the horison, and says: Last week I was sitting here without my shirt in the wind, and I got a stiff neck….this is your Granma’s K*k idea!”
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 31) : you can edit the post and upload them… see if you can figure out how
Okay, LMS done, SB done and betting done.
NOW LET THE GAMES BEGIN
@robdylan (Comment 33) : I can’t edit the post
@robdylan (Comment 33) :
Ja – give us proper rights, ek se!
@Ice (Comment 36) : We won’t do anything bad!!
@Richard Ferguson (Comment 37) :
NOOIIITTT!!!
@Ice (Comment 38) :
Well, I am almost outa here…
Have a good weekend, mense!!!
GO SHARKS!!!!!!!!!
@Ice (Comment 40) : Cheers Ice..
Selling your car illegally
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”
“That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”
“Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”
“No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”
@chaz (Comment 42) : Hehehe
here one for our Green and Gold guys
Rugby – after losses to Ireland and England
A seven year old South African boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a Pretoria Supreme Court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge awarded custody to his sole aunt. The boy protested that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy claimed that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him.
Custody was today granted to the Springboks Rugby team, as the boy firmly believes they are not capable of beating anyone.
Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
“What’s up?” he asks.
” Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but we’ve just beaten the All Blacks and Australia in consecutive weeks and let’s be honest it’s only South Africa. They’re really bad and we just can’t be bothered”.
Johnny looks at them and says “Well, the way I’ve been playing
recently, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the
pub.”
So Johnny goes out to play South Africa by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
” England 7 – South Africa 0
Wilkinson – 10 minutes – Converted Try)”.
He is beating South Africa all by himself ! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone
remembers
” It must be full time now, let’s see how Johnny got on”. They put the telly back on.
“Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) – South Africa 7 (Paulse 79 minutes)”.
They can’t believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against South Africa and maintained England’s unbeaten run at home!!
T hey rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in
the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”
says Johnny.
” Don’t be daft, you got a draw against South Africa, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!” says the rest of the team.
“No, No, I have” says Wilkinson, “I’ve let you down… I got sent off
after 12 minutes
August 2003
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
“Would the gentleman on the women’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!”
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was so deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement,
“Would the MAN on the WOMAN’S tee kindly back upto the men’s tee.
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled
” Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE!”
I finally stopped, turned looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike, cupped my hands and shouted back…….
” Would the A*** hole in the clubhouse kindly shut the ?|:#$ up and let me play my second shot?”
July 2003
A guy walks into a pub with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a “Springbok” jersey and cap and is festooned with little “Springbok” flags.
The bartender says, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!” The guy begs him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV at home is broken, and this is the only place around here where we can watch the game!”
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the “Bokke” receiving the kick-off.
They speed off down field and immediately score a penalty. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, gets onto his hind legs and begins walking up and down giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!
What does the dog do if they score a try?”
The owner replies, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for a year.”
Why are old people like spiders? they both spend hours trying to get out of the bath!