vanmartin

Ye olde double whammy


Written by Martin van Niekerk (vanmartin)

Posted in :In the news, Original Content, Sharks, Super Rugby on 2 Jun 2014 at 09:47
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Coaches and teams let you down, it’s part of the deal we buy into as supporters and to put it into perspective it’s really no different from anything else that forms part of the human experience.

Actually the failings of your favourite sports teams is really nothing more than one of those first world problems. So keeping in mind that no person reading this is really worse off after a Sharks loss or dodgy Bok selections (bar some extra gray hair and heartburn) we might as well have some fun with it. Usual disclaimers apply of course. Many of you know I’m both a Jake White and Heyneke Meyer apologist so keep the grains of salt handy and let’s head down this rabbit hole…

First off it would be remiss not to thank Morne for working his hoodoo once again. He must boast the worst prediction record when it comes to Sharks vs Stormers matchups. Folks, when Morne utters assurances about a one of these encounters you’ve got a rarity on your hands, what is known as ‘the sure thing’. Go bet on the opposite of whatever Morne says, enjoy your mini-fortune and pour out one on his behalf. The man puts his reputation on the line for your financial gain.

Right, moving on to the game itself I obviously have to start by taking issue with the refereeing. The gall of Jaco Peyper to wait so late into the game to yellow a Sharks player? We could have had the game wrapped up in the first quarter with an undeserved red but no! He has to yellow the Stormers first? At our home ground? I smell something fishy. If that doesn’t have your keen Sharky senses all tingling then how about the fact that Reinach is simply penalised for a similar infringement? No card, not even a warning? It takes the spoiling tactics of Marcell Coetzee in the red zone to finally get us that elusive card when it’s all but too late in the game. An admirable effort by Bissy to push the ref over the edge has zero effect? The conspiracy thickens folks…

Saturday evening’s Man of the Match, Cobus Reinach is not yellowed but is awarded for his efforts. To which side’s cause do I ask? It has the influence of the Cape Cabal written all over it. Thanking Reinach for his contributions so publicly? They’re growing bolder by the day. I shudder to think what they would have accomplished by now if they weren’t also South Africa’s main wine producing region. Small mercies.

So who in their right minds decides that naming the Bok squad right after a weekend of local derbies is a good idea? If it’s a test to see what it takes to distract a Bok aspirant we can safely say the prospect of one XL green and gold jacket will do the job nicely. Are the Bok’s brains trust indulging too often in the ‘fruits’ of a certain aforementioned region’s labours? Wake up and smell the fermented grape juice folks.

Speaking of the Boks what a relief it is to see crowd favourite Zane Kirchner back in the squad. Those of us worried at the prospect of Willie le Roux or Lwazi Mvovo doing the artsy, farsty creative thing at the back can now breathe easy. The Zane will be that bastion of dull reliability we all so crave. Beware opposition, this one kicks back!

Another fear that was so masterfully addressed was that of our hookers throwing skew ball. This obvious shortcoming in the Bok squad has finally been set right with the inclusion of one Callie Visagie. You may not recognise the name but Visagie has been quietly biding his time and throwing lineout ball with the accuracy of a Daily Sun newspaper report (we all know who puts out the real truth). Rest assured people, this guy was apparently a heat-seeking missile in a brief but glorious previous life and knows how to find his jumpers. In addition he also isn’t afraid to get involved with in the dirty work and we all know how our Bissy shies away from that. Whatever the case I’m just relieved a player like Kyle Cooper didn’t get a look in. The last thing we need is a Bok number 2 who takes on too much. Leave the try scoring to the wings man!

I leave you faithful readers with one final, sobering thought to wake you up from the Cape’s finest haze. Is there any other sport that offers the charms of the World Wrestling Entertainment combined with the intricacies and plot twists of a Dan Brown novel? You have to love this game!



23 Comments

  • Credit to Klempie for planting an idea in Saturday’s game thread

  • Comment 1, posted at 02.06.14 09:51:44 by vanmartin Reply
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    vanmartinAssistant coach
     
  • First off it would be remiss not to thank Morne for working his hoodoo once again. <—————- Reason they lost right there. Not one of the 229 listed in the other thread over the weekend.

  • Comment 2, posted at 02.06.14 09:52:11 by Morné Reply
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    MornéTeam captain
     
  • @Morné (Comment 2) : You read it here first :twisted:

  • Comment 3, posted at 02.06.14 09:56:43 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @Morné (Comment 2) : That and Voldemort’s prediction on that site that shall not be named.

  • Comment 4, posted at 02.06.14 10:01:41 by KingRiaan Reply

    KingRiaanTeam captain
     
  • @Morné (Comment 2) : Don’t let my misguided ramblings put you off though, you’ve also won us two Currie Cups by my calculations. We’re in your debt in my opinion :grin:

  • Comment 5, posted at 02.06.14 10:02:20 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 3) : great article

  • Comment 6, posted at 02.06.14 10:07:44 by benji Reply
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    Team captain
     
  • @benji (Comment 6) : Thanks, it was very cathartic applying a rigorous and very scientific analysis to the weekend’s happenings and putting the findings down on paper.

    The truth is out there :cool:

  • Comment 7, posted at 02.06.14 10:10:52 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 7) : Great stuff Martin!

    @Morné (Comment 2) : Jou F***** poepol! :twisted:

  • Comment 8, posted at 02.06.14 10:19:52 by Pokkel Reply
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  • @Pokkel (Comment 8) : Manners Pokkel. Did you remember to thank him for our Currie Cups? :)

  • Comment 9, posted at 02.06.14 10:21:56 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 9) : Yes I have! :grin:

  • Comment 10, posted at 02.06.14 10:24:02 by Pokkel Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 7) : the sad bitter truth delivered with a humour coated tablet,

  • Comment 11, posted at 02.06.14 10:36:48 by benji Reply
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  • @benji (Comment 11) : Cheer up benji, it’s not all doom and gloom. I still believe both White and Meyer know what they’re doing even if though don’t always live up to all my expectations :grin:

  • Comment 12, posted at 02.06.14 10:58:59 by vanmartin Reply
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  • I trust this sudden barrage of penmanship is in preparation for the treatise you’ll be writing for me :mrgreen:

  • Comment 13, posted at 02.06.14 11:26:10 by Culling Song Reply
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    Culling SongTeam captain
     
  • @vanmartin (Comment 12) : Very true re: real problems in the world…

    ….our gloomy feeling about Saturday evening’s game is kind of like complaining about an episode of Days of Our Lives not going your way, when we all know the story will still be trucking along in ten years’ time.

    Different actors, maybe, but still the same predictable plot twists and amnesia induced returns to life. :twisted:

  • Comment 14, posted at 02.06.14 11:35:17 by FireTheLooser Reply

    Assistant coach
     
  • @Culling Song (Comment 13) : Either that or playing Candy Crush on the Gautrain is getting really boring ;-)

    @FireTheLooser (Comment 14) : Pretty much. Do you think Days missed a trick by not encouraging their actors to knock the stuffing out of each other?

  • Comment 15, posted at 02.06.14 11:38:42 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 15) : Oh yeah, then instead of concussion tests, they’ll go for the coveted bone-fide: I-need-to-bring-an-actor-back-from-the-dead soapy director when-you’re-in-a-bind toolbox favorite “amnesia™” test…..no time limit on this one though :lol:

  • Comment 16, posted at 02.06.14 11:46:21 by FireTheLooser Reply

    Assistant coach
     
  • Brilliant article! Just one mistake I picked up: the brackets in the second paragraph has “blood pressure issues” missing from the list of side effects…I had some of those on Saturday night! :grin:

  • Comment 17, posted at 02.06.14 11:58:08 by pastorshark Reply
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  • @pastorshark (Comment 17) : That’s the sodium from your frantic biltong eating kicking in :)

  • Comment 18, posted at 02.06.14 12:58:52 by vanmartin Reply
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  • Lekke article Van ;-)

  • Comment 19, posted at 02.06.14 13:30:20 by RedSharkUtd82 Reply

    RedSharkUtd82Super Rugby player
     
  • @FireTheLooser (Comment 16) : :mrgreen:
    @RedSharkUtd82 (Comment 19) : Thanks! Much appreciated!

  • Comment 20, posted at 02.06.14 13:56:33 by vanmartin Reply
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  • @vanmartin (Comment 18) : There was actually a frantic amount of biltong consumed this weekend! :)

  • Comment 21, posted at 02.06.14 18:00:52 by pastorshark Reply
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  • @pastorshark (Comment 21) : Satire and medical advice in the same thread :cool:

  • Comment 22, posted at 02.06.14 18:43:09 by vanmartin Reply
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  • yeah nice article vanmartin

  • Comment 23, posted at 04.06.14 11:28:42 by Gerhardt Reply

    GerhardtCurrie Cup player
     

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