Culling Song

Last Exit to Bronkhorstspruit Vol. 7: The Future Ain’t What It Used To be


Written by André Meyer (Culling Song)

Posted in :Original Content on 3 Mar 2017 at 12:56
Tagged with : , , ,

While pretty much everyone who frequents Sharksworld (as well as most casual visitors) are aware of the fact that I’m a pretty much a man of un-freaking-believably many talents, it is true that not too many know of my divination abilities. That’s right, I can see the future. Before you start pestering me for the winning Lotto numbers though, understand this; the space-time continuum is made up of an infinite number of strands that are continuously intersecting, diverting and fracturing, and there is no one, definitive future. Some things are just not made for man to know (such as when the Sharks are finally going to win Super Rugby). Having said that, there are certain events and milestones that seem to press deeper into that fabric of time, recurring across multiple possible futures, and while these are not guaranteed, one can at least predict their outcome with a greater degree of certainty. So, for instance, I can tell more or less when the Bulls will become a cool union to support (Answer: never. Regardless of past-, and possible future successes, the Bulls will never be cool. They’re kind of like Blackberries, BMW’s and Manchester United in that way), that Kagiso Rabada is going to become the world’s most idolized cricketer, that Kanye West will be the next American president, and so forth.

So, in service of this site, I have cast my bones (not really, mind you; that’s just plain gross. I use an app) and looked forward to see what Super Rugby 2017 has in store for us. In no particular order, here are my predictions:

1. Following a patient, 26-year wait, Pat Lambie finally experiences the onset of puberty. His changes in tone of voice amuses the on-field referees no end, but also works exceedingly well as an ice-breaker, and helps establish a rapport that later sees him unanimously voted in as referee’s favourite captain. He experiences his first shave just ahead of the knockout rounds.

2. On the back of a much-publicised and high-profile campaign led by the ARU with the aim of both promoting the wholesomeness of Australian sport stars, while also providing mentoring to aforementioned, public-relation disasters of an alcohol- and drug-related nature involving Aussie rugby players is reduced to an all-time low figure of only 53 for the season.

3. DNA testing conclusively proves that Jessie Kriel is in fact the biological offspring of the detergent-snorting girl from Cheech and Chong’s seminal stoner classic, Up In Smoke

Jesse

4. Brendan Venter is appointed Springbok defence coach, and immediately attempts to implement his new defensive strategy across the board at the various unions. Said strategy involves taking his now-infamous “holding back from committing to the ruck” strategy as employed by the Italians against England to the next level, by standing back all the way to the changing room (and not running out onto the field). Roundly rejected by the unions, it is nonetheless implemented at Bok level, resulting in a Win/Lose/Draw ratio for the year of 0/0/0; crowds disappear, and teams refuse to tour South Africa. SARU lauds the improvement from 67% of tests lost in 2016, to 0% in 2017, and hails Brendan Venter as a “visionary” and “genius”.

5. Having got his mojo back in a big way, and feeling inspired by watching old 6 Nations footage of The Caveman, Beast grows his hair into dreadlocks, and undergoes a deed poll name change to SeBeastian MtwaChabal.

Remember, you heard it here first! See you on the other side of 2017!



7 Comments

  • Love it. Especially the Venter strategy. Let’s make rugby great again!

  • Comment 1, posted at 03.03.17 13:01:31 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
    vanmartinAssistant coach
     
  • Nice one CS although I must disagree on the Man U statement!!! :shock:

  • Comment 2, posted at 03.03.17 16:39:39 by JD Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Administrator
    JDAssistant coach
     
  • Classic

  • Comment 3, posted at 03.03.17 17:11:22 by benji Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    Team captain
     
  • Nice one Guy!

  • Comment 4, posted at 03.03.17 21:29:01 by Big Fish Reply
    Author
    Big FishAssistant coach
     
  • Lekker :lol:

  • Comment 5, posted at 04.03.17 06:36:38 by West Indies Cricket Board Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    West Indies Cricket BoardTeam captain
     
  • @Big Fish (Comment 4) : he’s a real talent, isn’t he?

  • Comment 6, posted at 04.03.17 09:31:39 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
    robdylanHead Coach
     
  • Brilliant… laugh a minute… :lol:

  • Comment 7, posted at 06.03.17 06:46:38 by pastorshark Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Administrator
    pastorsharkCoach
     

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