Big Fish

Friday Humour Thread – Cos we are Bored

Written by (Big Fish)

Posted in :Admin on 11 Jul 2008 at 13:53

Ok people, I felt the need, so please feel free to share your reasonably pc jokes here.

Let me start then…

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


  • go FISH!

  • Comment 1, posted at 11.07.08 13:56:03 by robdylan Reply
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  • A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
    a half-gallon of 2%, milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head , of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, a 1 lb. package of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?”
    The drunk replied,

    “‘Cos you’re ugly”

  • Comment 2, posted at 11.07.08 13:56:18 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • Comment 3, posted at 11.07.08 13:56:40 by robdylan Reply
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  • Hehehe. One of the most twisted comics ever is ole C&H.

    This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, “Sonny, I’m too old to fight. Just follow me around, and I’ll show you the place.” The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house…then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

    All of a sudden, there came a loud “Bang!” and there stood the farmer, muttering “Dangit, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve had to kill this month.”

  • Comment 4, posted at 11.07.08 14:02:54 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @Big Fish (Comment 2) :

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 5, posted at 11.07.08 14:03:12 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • Damn, I thought I had a good joke , But it’s not all PC

  • Comment 6, posted at 11.07.08 14:04:04 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
  • you guys know the joke about “the dawn is nigh”?

  • Comment 7, posted at 11.07.08 14:04:43 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • What’s the best form of birth control after 50?

    What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 kilos.

    What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.

    What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
    caring and good looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What’s the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
    of driving.

    Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and

    Why did God create alcohol?
    So ugly people could have s*x too.

    What do toilets, a birthday, and an anniversary have in common?
    Men miss them all.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don’t have eyes.

  • Comment 8, posted at 11.07.08 14:05:46 by robdylan Reply
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  • 😆 Good stuff everyone…

  • Comment 9, posted at 11.07.08 14:06:20 by blackshark Reply

    blackshark - I'm back!
  • ok – so here is a shortened version that doesn’t quite do it justice:

    “Twee pa’s, een Afrikaans en een Engels, sit een aand op die stoep en wag vir hulle twee kinders – ‘n jong man en ‘n meisie – wat gaan dans het. Hulle raak bekommerd want die kinders bly laat uit. Toe die dag so grou begin breek in die ooste, sê die Engelsman: “The dawn is nigh”.
    “Ja,” sê die Afrikaanse pa, “ek weet die donners naai, maar waar?” “

  • Comment 10, posted at 11.07.08 14:07:54 by robdylan Reply
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  • Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
    Cyanide & Happiness @

  • Comment 11, posted at 11.07.08 14:08:24 by robdylan Reply
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  • @robdylan (Comment 7) :
    Do tell.

    @robdylan (Comment 8) :

    What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
    You can unscrew a light bulb!

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

    Yes, I know – I will die alone. 😈

  • Comment 12, posted at 11.07.08 14:08:38 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @robdylan (Comment 10) :

    :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 13, posted at 11.07.08 14:09:32 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • When something good happens, we drink to celebrate!

    When something bad happens, we drink to forget!

    When nothing happens, we drink so that something does happen

    When too much happens, we drink to ease the pressure.

    We can’t go on like this people.

    Can we meet for drinks later so we can talk about this.

  • Comment 14, posted at 11.07.08 14:11:39 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 13) : you heard it before? It’s meant to be a lot longer and more involved than that…

  • Comment 15, posted at 11.07.08 14:11:52 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
    Whiped his ass.

  • Comment 16, posted at 11.07.08 14:12:30 by molly Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition Winner Author
  • @robdylan (Comment 10) :

  • Comment 17, posted at 11.07.08 14:12:40 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @robdylan (Comment 10) : 😆

  • Comment 18, posted at 11.07.08 14:13:35 by blackshark Reply

    blackshark - I'm back!
  • @robdylan (Comment 15) :

    No Rob – but this version is good enough for me…nearly choked on my coke! 😆

    BTW – sent you a mail to forward to Fish.. 😉

  • Comment 19, posted at 11.07.08 14:15:02 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
    His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the bond on this
    House is R680 000.00 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way
    We can afford it.”

    The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door
    With a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

    Little Matt told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I
    Heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
    To wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m
    staying here by myself with an R680 000.00 bond and no…

    F**king Bike!”

  • Comment 20, posted at 11.07.08 14:16:51 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @Big Fish (Comment 17) : why thank you

  • Comment 21, posted at 11.07.08 14:16:55 by robdylan Reply
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  • An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

    The lad asked, “What is this, father?”

    The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, “I have no idea what it is.”

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

    The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

    The father looked at his son anxiously and said, “Go get your mother.”

  • Comment 22, posted at 11.07.08 14:17:26 by robdylan Reply
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  • Gatiep and Karools are sitting on death row. Gatiep says to the Warder, does this take long and is it painful? Warder says “No they just strap you in and flick the switch and its over”.

    Karools is called in, moments later Gatiep hears screaming and shouting, this carries on for quite a while.
    Gatiep says to the Warder “I thought you said it was quick and painless” .
    Warder replies that as result of the load shedding they have to use candles.

  • Comment 23, posted at 11.07.08 14:17:41 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
  • From: The International Council of Man Laws.
    > 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    > 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    > (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    > (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    > (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
    > (d) When she is using her teeth.
    > 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
    > eaten by his friends.
    > 4: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
    > limits forever unless you actually marry her.
    > 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is
    > forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
    > 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
    > man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is
    > strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip
    > of the birthday boy’s choice.
    > 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
    > weakest.
    > 8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may
    > the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s
    > playing.
    > 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
    > climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
    > flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s
    > officially your girlfriend.
    > 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re
    > sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model
    > and only when it’s free.
    > 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
    > kick another guy in the nuts.
    > 12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    > 13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    > 14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see
    > 15: Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as
    > until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
    > drink as much as the other sports watchers. (I Love this one !!!)
    > 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
    > remain sober enough to fight.
    > 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    > pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
    > 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
    > than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
    > Hang up if necessary.
    > 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’
    > have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird
    > guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
    > the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
    > 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
    > her to drive yours.
    > 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
    > orange or sky blue.
    > 25: The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for
    > Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an
    > 360.
    > End of story.
    > 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s
    > Gymnastics. Ever.
    > I hope this clears up any confusion,

  • Comment 24, posted at 11.07.08 14:18:12 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 19) : sounds intriguing…

    you can mail him at [email protected]

  • Comment 25, posted at 11.07.08 14:19:27 by robdylan Reply
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  • Men Are Just Simpler and Happier People

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
    A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    Women love cats.

    Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes, and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    A married man should forget his mistakes.

    There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

  • Comment 26, posted at 11.07.08 14:20:01 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
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  • @Pokkel (Comment 23) :

    The 60’s

    It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Harold had a date
    with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

    “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Harold in. “Have
    a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?
    Iced tea?”

    “Iced tea, please,” Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.

    “So, what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?” she asked.

    “Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
    shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

    “Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

    “Really?” Harold asked shocked, eyebrows rose.

    “Oh yes,” the mother continued. “When she goes out with her friends,
    they’re always looking for a new place to do it!”

    “Is that so?” asked Harold, incredulous.

    “Yes,” said the mother.. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we
    let her!”

    “Well umm, thanks for the tip!” Harold said as he began thinking about
    alternate plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture
    wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
    bouncy ponytail. She greeted Harold.

    “Have fun, kids!” the mother said as they left.

    Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
    and slammed the front door behind her.

    “Twist, Mom!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The TWIST,
    dammit! It’s called the Twist!

  • Comment 27, posted at 11.07.08 14:28:58 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @Big Fish (Comment 27) : 😆 😆

  • Comment 28, posted at 11.07.08 14:34:15 by Pokkel Reply
    Friend of SharksworldCompetition Winner Author
  • View My Video

  • Comment 29, posted at 11.07.08 14:34:54 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @Big Fish (Comment 4) : Twisated?try . They are twisted

  • Comment 30, posted at 11.07.08 14:35:45 by PJLD Reply
  • Twisated = twisted

  • Comment 31, posted at 11.07.08 14:36:22 by PJLD Reply
  • A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
    and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
    big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
    after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
    for the first time.

    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
    before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
    some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and
    the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
    He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy,
    a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
    The boy insists on the family pack because he
    thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents
    house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m
    so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
    where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly
    offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
    with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
    girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
    boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

    The boy turns, and whispers back,
    “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

  • Comment 32, posted at 11.07.08 14:45:10 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • Humour is good, thanks all. Its not very funny on the other side (Keo)today, some screwed and twisted posts over there.

  • Comment 33, posted at 11.07.08 14:46:03 by Salmonoid Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    Salmonoid the Subtle
  • A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

    Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France.”

    He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really,” he smiled, “What myths are those?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners.”

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you; I don’t even know your name.”

    “Running Bear,” the man said….”Running Bear Moodley, but my friends call me Frik.”

  • Comment 34, posted at 11.07.08 14:47:52 by wpw Reply
  • Nice visiting peeps,later days.

  • Comment 35, posted at 11.07.08 14:48:07 by PJLD Reply
  • @Salmonoid (Comment 33) : they are not nice people, for the most part

  • Comment 36, posted at 11.07.08 14:48:10 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • @PJLD (Comment 35) : hit and run?

  • Comment 37, posted at 11.07.08 14:48:42 by robdylan Reply
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  • Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

    “Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey” said Wiremu.
    The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
    “No way doc” replied Wiremu “I’m gitting a sicond opinion ey!”

    The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
    Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

    Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

    The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey”
    “What’s the cure thin doc?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
    “Wull, Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”
    “Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wiremu, “those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”

  • Comment 38, posted at 11.07.08 14:49:40 by wpw Reply
  • Meraai kom in ‘n moewiese ongeluk en moet dringend bloed kry anders maak sy dit nie. Gatiepie is die enigste een wie se bloed hulle kan gebruik en so red hy toe Meraai se lewe.

    Die twee raak toe baie geheg aan mekaar, so met die bloed saam verbind en trou toe. Na so ‘n paar jaar besluit Meraai sy is gatvol vir Gatiepie se rondneukery en op ‘n dag sê sy toe vir hom dat sy haar goedjies gaan vat en

    Af by die flatjie se trappe en straat af, Gatiepie is geworried en roep agterna.

    “Meraai, daai rok wat djy aanhet het ek gakoep”, sy trek net daar die rok uit en gooi dit na Gatiepie toe, vat djou rok en stiekit in djou gat en sy loop aan.

    “Meraai, daai skoene wat djy aanhet het ek gakoep”, sy trek die skoene uit en gooi dit na Gatiepie toe, “man vat djou skoene, hulle mak my in elk geval seer” en sy loop aan.

    “Meraai, daai pantie & bra het ok gakoep”, sy trek die pantie en bra uit en gooi dit na Gatiepie toe, “dis robbish anyway” en sy loop aan.

    Nou’s Gatiepie geworried en skielik strike dit hom – bloed.

    “Meraai, onthou djy so paar jaar trug toe djy amper dood is, toe’t ek my bloed vir djou gegee.”

    Meraai draai om, sy buk en trek die tampon uit en gooi dit na Gatiepie toe en skree vir hom, “ek sal djou maandeliks afbetaal djou vark.”

  • Comment 39, posted at 11.07.08 14:52:06 by wpw Reply
  • @wpw (Comment 39) : is there an English translation? 😉

  • Comment 40, posted at 11.07.08 15:08:47 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • Man, the scary thing about those man and woman posts is recognizing them to be true to certain degree’s. Thanks for the lag.

  • Comment 41, posted at 11.07.08 15:08:57 by Sauce Reply
    Worcestershire Sauce
  • Very old joke but..

    Wat het die baba skilpad vir sy ma gese voor hy in die dam geduik het?

    Hou my dop.

  • Comment 42, posted at 11.07.08 15:12:57 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • @Sauce (Comment 41) : how bad is the lag? 😉

  • Comment 43, posted at 11.07.08 15:20:30 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 42) : is that a damduiker joke? 😉

  • Comment 44, posted at 11.07.08 15:20:57 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

    She read … ‘and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have someof that straw to build my house?’

    The teacher paused then asked the class:

    ‘And what do you think the man said?’
    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly …’I think the man would have said – ‘Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!’

  • Comment 45, posted at 11.07.08 15:44:37 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
    in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
    retriever sitting there.

    “You talk?” he asks.
    “Yep,” the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
    “So, what’s your story?”

    The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
    was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In
    no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
    rooms with spies and world leaders.

    Because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
    most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around
    really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I
    decided to settle down.

    I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
    undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
    in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of

    I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the dog ?.

    “Ten dollars,” the guy says.”

    “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so

    “He’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

  • Comment 46, posted at 11.07.08 15:46:45 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • @Big Fish (Comment 46) : LOL

    @Big Fish (Comment 45) : Double LOL!!!

  • Comment 47, posted at 11.07.08 15:51:15 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • kiff, I’m like 100 comments ahead of oubaas already 😉

  • Comment 48, posted at 11.07.08 15:58:23 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • #43 beers and sunshine make the lag worthwhile

  • Comment 49, posted at 11.07.08 16:16:37 by Sauce Reply
    Worcestershire Sauce
  • @Sauce (Comment 49) : amen to that!

  • Comment 50, posted at 11.07.08 16:20:09 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:
    “Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie.”
    The guy in the car says: “Is hulle soet?”
    The fruit seller sa ys: “Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!”

  • Comment 51, posted at 11.07.08 16:23:46 by Hmmm Reply

  • Three guys selling snoek on the corner shouts:
    “Hiers djou snoek”
    The guy in the car says:
    “Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?”
    One guy replies: “Ons vra hulle niks, wil djy hulle iets vra?”

  • Comment 52, posted at 11.07.08 16:24:02 by Hmmm Reply

  • Gatiep & Maraai steel ‘n snoek, en sien toe ‘n Polisie man Gatiep se:
    ”Sit die snoek onder djou rok!
    Maraai se ” Dit gaan stink Gatiep!”
    Gatiep se vir Maraai ,” Drukkie snoek se nies toe!”

  • Comment 53, posted at 11.07.08 16:24:46 by Hmmm Reply

  • Gatiep en Maraai sit innie bus in Cape Town toe die lady op klim “with a
    face made up to kill” ekse: bloed roei lips, “seven layers of base” en silke
    “massive eyelashes” dat sy nie ees haar oe kan oep maakie.
    Daars nie oep seats, so sy skeem sy hang maar aan die leather strap.
    “Hei Gammat,” se Gatiep, “kom offer djy nie die lady ‘n seat?”
    “Nei,” skeem Gammat, “a painting moet mos hang.”

  • Comment 54, posted at 11.07.08 16:25:25 by Hmmm Reply

  • Every morning when the English teacher came to the Afrikaans students to
    Give them an English lecture she greeted them as follows; “Good morning
    class!” and every time only one boy would get up out of the whole class to
    greet the teacher in return. This happened time and again until she decided
    to call him up to her desk and ask him loud enough for everyone to hear:
    “Why is it that every time I greet the whole class, only you stand up to
    greet me?”
    He replied to the teacher in English : “It are ’cause I are the only person
    here what’s name are Klaas!”

  • Comment 55, posted at 11.07.08 16:26:02 by Hmmm Reply

  • A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses,she started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks he’s stupid,stand up!” After a few seconds, Sizwe stood up.
    The teacher said,”Do you think you’re stupid,Sizwe?
    “No ma’am,but i hate to see u standing there all by yourself!”

  • Comment 56, posted at 11.07.08 16:26:19 by Hmmm Reply

  • Oom Kallie en Tant Anna ry in New York toe ‘n taxi langs hulle stop.

    Die taxidriver se toe vir hulle: “Good morning!”

    Tant Anna vra toe vir Oom Kallie: “Pappa, wat sê hy?”

    Toe antwoord Oom Kallie: “Ag, hy sê sommer hallo.” En hulle ignoreer Die taxidriver heeltemal.

    Toe vra die taxidriver: “Hey, where you from?”

    Tant Anna vra toe: “Pappa, wat se die man?”

    Oom Kallie antwoord: “Ag, hy vra sommer waarvandaan ons kom.” En hulle antwoord “South Africa”.

    Die taxidriver sê toe: “Hey, I’ve been to South Africa and I had the Worst $ex there ever!”

    Tant Anna vra toe weer: “Pappa, wat se hy?”

    Oom Kallie: “Hy sê hy ken jou!

  • Comment 57, posted at 11.07.08 16:30:06 by Hmmm Reply

  • Are you lonely???
    Don’t like working on your own?
    Hate making decision?

    Then call a MEETING !!

    You can…
    SEE people
    DRAW flowcharts
    FEEL Important
    FORM subcommittees
    IMPRESS your colleagues
    MAKE meaningless recommendations
    ALL on COMPANY TIME !!!!

  • Comment 58, posted at 11.07.08 16:42:46 by Hmmm Reply

    Is like wetting your pants…In a dark suit
    You get a warm feeling…but no one else notices….

  • Comment 59, posted at 11.07.08 16:45:24 by Hmmm Reply

    This blog-site requires no fitness program.

    Everyone gets enough exercise by….
    Jumping to conclusions…
    Flying off the handle…
    Running down the Admin IT geek…
    Knifing fellow bloggers in the back…
    Dodging rugby facts…
    And pushing their luck…..

  • Comment 60, posted at 11.07.08 16:48:25 by Hmmm Reply

  • @robdylan (Comment 48) :

    Jinne I told you you are going to fly past him…
    And just several weeks ago our comments combined never reached his…

    Oubaas is getting slow in his old age…

  • Comment 61, posted at 11.07.08 16:54:49 by Hmmm Reply

  • Oh my word!!!!!! 😆 There are a few good ones here. 😆

    I am off to the Rugby. GO SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!

    I was listening to Plumtree on East Coast radio this am. he informs us that Pat Cilliers will be back in 2 to 3 weeks time. 😎

  • Comment 62, posted at 11.07.08 16:54:58 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©
  • A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish. They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

    St. Peter asks the first girl, “Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St.Peter says “Sharon! What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!”

  • Comment 63, posted at 11.07.08 16:56:36 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©
  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 62) :

    Good….he is in my FAN L team….
    And with Kaalvoet Koekie back I will score better from next week…

  • Comment 64, posted at 11.07.08 16:56:53 by Hmmm Reply

  • Jinne this thread looks hot with all those Big G pic’s running down the screen…

  • Comment 65, posted at 11.07.08 16:57:47 by Hmmm Reply

  • @Hmmm (Comment 65) : talking about me? 😆

  • Comment 66, posted at 11.07.08 16:59:32 by bigg Reply

  • @KSA Shark © (Comment 62) : Any other interesting news from Plum?

  • Comment 67, posted at 11.07.08 16:59:47 by robdylan Reply
    Competition Winner Administrator
  • Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
    black guy standing next to him.

    The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: ‘7
    feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.’

    The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
    brings him to, shaking him.

    The big guy says: ‘What’s wrong with you?’
    In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
    The big dude says: ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you
    the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…..I’m 7 feet tall,
    I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
    each, and my name is Turner Brown.’
    The small guy says: ‘Turner Brown?!…Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
    ‘Turn around.

  • Comment 68, posted at 11.07.08 17:00:05 by Hmmm Reply

  • A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
    Reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
    On backwards. The little boy asked why he
    Wore his collar backwards.
    The man, who was a Priest, said:
    ‘I am a Father.’
    The little boy replied:
    ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar
    Like that.’
    The priest looked up from his book
    And answered:
    ‘I am the Father of many.’
    The boy said:
    ‘My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
    Grandchildren and he doesn’t wear
    His collar that way!’
    The Priest, getting impatient, said:
    ‘I am the Father of hundreds’
    And went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for
    a while, then leaned over and said:
    ‘Maybe you should wear a condom and
    Your pants backwards instead of your Collar.

  • Comment 69, posted at 11.07.08 17:01:25 by Hmmm Reply

  • @robdylan (Comment 67) :

    Nah nothing much, just that he is happy to have Freddy back and that he is VERY non comittal as to who he is supporting tomorrow morning 😉

    Cheers KP Calls.

  • Comment 70, posted at 11.07.08 17:01:38 by KSA Shark © Reply

    KSA Shark ©
  • we are getting killed at lords.. 🙁 so wish ntini hit the wicket off kp’s first ball

  • Comment 71, posted at 11.07.08 17:01:57 by bigg Reply

  • @bigg (Comment 66) :

    I hope that is not a pic of you 😯

  • Comment 72, posted at 11.07.08 17:02:26 by Hmmm Reply


    “We all love to spend lots of money on buying new clothes, but never realise that the best times are enjoyed without clothes”

  • Comment 73, posted at 11.07.08 17:02:46 by Hmmm Reply

  • The greatest gift offered by the universe to all it’s inhabitants is the gift of the present.

    We live in the present not the future so live your life in the present cause the future is not guaranteed.

  • Comment 74, posted at 11.07.08 17:04:50 by Hmmm Reply


    I am just two and two. I am hot. I am cold. I am the parent of numbers that cannot be told. I am a gift beyond measure, a matter of course. I am given with pleasure when taken by force.
    What am I?

  • Comment 75, posted at 11.07.08 17:09:41 by Hmmm Reply

  • @Hmmm (Comment 72) : it is why?

  • Comment 76, posted at 11.07.08 17:10:39 by bigg Reply

  • A woman has an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.

    She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little
    boy is in there already.
    The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”
    The Man says: “Yes, it is.”
    Boy: “I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?”
    Man: “No, thanks.”
    Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”
    Man: “OK, how much?”
    Boy: “R250-00.”

    A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
    Boy: “Dark in here”.
    Man: “Yes, it is.”
    Boy: “I have soccer boots.”
    The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”
    The Boy says:”R750-00.”
    The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”

    A few days later, the Father says to the boy: “Grab your ball and boots, let’s go outside and have a game.”
    The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for R1000.”
    The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your sins.”

    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The Boy says: “Dark in here.”
    The Priest says: “Don’t start that sh!t again!”


  • Comment 77, posted at 11.07.08 17:17:14 by Hmmm Reply

  • @bigg (Comment 76) :

    I meant my avatar…that is a pic of Big G…

  • Comment 78, posted at 11.07.08 17:18:12 by Hmmm Reply

  • @Hmmm (Comment 75) :

    Its sounds like me – but i’d say…A KISS? 😈

  • Comment 79, posted at 12.07.08 17:47:15 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 79) : That’s correct. Jy wen vanaand se boekprys. 😛

  • Comment 80, posted at 12.07.08 18:07:24 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 80) :

    Wat is die boek Rachel??? 😀

  • Comment 81, posted at 12.07.08 18:11:47 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 81) :

    Jy weet ek’s mal oor lees!!! 😀 😀

  • Comment 82, posted at 12.07.08 18:12:19 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 82) : really? kies maar een. As dit op my boekrak is, is jy dalk in luck. 😉

  • Comment 83, posted at 12.07.08 18:16:15 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 83) :

    Ok – a goog biography…or a good suspense thriller – I like the lawyer type stuff too..James Patterson…gooi maar the intellectual goodies too…I need plenty of those.. 😉

  • Comment 84, posted at 12.07.08 18:23:28 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 84) : Plenty of alles in die huis. Van heavy non fiction to Nora Roberts.

  • Comment 85, posted at 12.07.08 18:29:45 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 85) :

    Youre a reader??

  • Comment 86, posted at 12.07.08 18:34:41 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 86) : Soort van. Only non-fiction. The missus reads all the storieboeke.

  • Comment 87, posted at 12.07.08 18:40:29 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 87) :

    I like factual stuff…but enjoy a good “story” too – some people have the imagination of geniuses (?) …Although having my Ph.D in Drama, I am not a Shakespeare fan, Lord of the Flies is an utmost favourite – although I have never seen the flick!? And the only Willem I am willing to perform in is Romeo and Juliet (for obvious reasons)….MacBeth gives me the creeps on and off the stage! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 88, posted at 12.07.08 18:47:02 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @I’ce (Rebel With a Cause) (Comment 88) : Not sure if I should admit this, but I’ve never read a shakespeare book, or seen a play or movie. Currently reading ‘Unweaving the rainbow’.

  • Comment 89, posted at 12.07.08 18:55:11 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • Ph.D – impressive. 😎

  • Comment 90, posted at 12.07.08 18:55:56 by ra-cheltjie de' be-er Reply

  • I’ll be sure to check it out!!

  • Comment 91, posted at 12.07.08 19:04:37 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @ra-cheltjie de’ be-er (Comment 89) :

    Don’t blame you!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • Comment 92, posted at 12.07.08 19:05:56 by I'ce (Rebel With a Cause) Reply
    Competition Winner Ice

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