Rugby Commandments

Written by Clayton Saville (Clayton(PJLD))

Posted in :In the news on 21 Dec 2010 at 12:37
Tagged with : ,

Seeing as the only news at the moment is that of Jacques Kallis’s hair driving his car into a neighbours yard we will keep the humour theme going.

1. Thou shalt not hesitate at the breakdown, but be mighty to get your rightful ball; for though it is written that the meek shall inherit the earth, this is truly was a poor translation. The meek shall be trampled into the dirt is more to the point.

2. Thou shalt not speak profanely of the Whistler, nor question the purity of his birth, even though he be blind to transgressions by devils on the other team at the ruck and the maul, and whistles them not.

3. Thou shalt not smite an opponent with a clenched fist, yeah, even in retaliation; for it is written that the Whistler and the Flag Waver shall assuredly miss the cowardly first punch, only to see the avenging second. Believeth that what goeth around shall surely cometh, and verily, evil men will be found at the bottom of rucks.

4. Thou should not kiss thy teammate on the mouth when he scores; for such is an abomination unto God, especially kisses in tongues, unless you play football with the round white ball and thus it is expected.

5. Thou shalt not take the Word of the Coach in vain, for blessed is the Word of the Coach. Instead, wonder at his mighty wisdom and sticketh to His Game Plan, lest the Coach acquaint you with his disciples coaching in the lower grades.

6. Thou shalt not chip nor kick for touch if thou be a prop or wear any jersey number below that of 7; for this is an abomination unto the Coach, and surely you will be His at training, perhaps everlasting.

7. Thou shalt not run across the field with ball in hand, but runneth straight ahead upfield; for it is written that the touchline is the best defender.

8. Thou shalt not kick the ball to thine enemies unless it bounceth; for the Spirit of the bounce of the Ball may cause confusion unto them, and if thy heart be pure, make it bounceth back unto you.

9. Thou shalt not pass the ball to a teammate about to be smashed by the mighty enemy, unless he owes you money, or has rodgered someone dear to your heart, in which case all is forgiven.

10. Thou shalt not vomit on thy teammates after the game, for this is unmanly, and they could do it unto you.



  • In 1990 3 kids were playing in the street in Joburg when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, “You weren’t supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I’ll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you’re flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be.”
    The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts “Lawyer” and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
    The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts “brain surgeon” and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
    The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering “stupid clumsy arsehole.” 20 years later, he’s playing the back line for the Sharks.

  • Comment 1, posted at 21.12.10 12:45:40 by Clayton(PJLD) Reply
  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 1) : 😈 :mrgreen:

  • Comment 2, posted at 21.12.10 12:47:35 by McLovin Reply

  • The South African captain then led his team and others on the plane in prayer. The plane crashed and they all went to heaven.
    As it happened, this was the day before the annual Heaven versus Hell Rugby match
    God saw his opportunity and called the Devil.
    G: I was thinking about tomorrow’s game and thought of increasing the normal stakes.
    D: Sure thing, I’m a betting man!
    G: OK, how about we double the bet to 200 souls?
    D: Look, I don’t mind that, but I’m happy to make it a thousand.
    G: Good stuff, one thousand souls it is.
    D: Deal
    God sniggered slightly down the ‘phone line, which make the Devil’s ears prick up
    D: You’re up to something, I can tell, what is it?
    G: I might be up to something, but you’ll find out tomorrow.
    D: Look, our bets made and you know I won’t back out of it, tell me
    G: OK, I have the entire Springbok side
    D: That’s alright, did you forget that I still have all the referees!

  • Comment 3, posted at 21.12.10 12:48:19 by Clayton(PJLD) Reply
  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 1) :
    Clearly had he rather waxed lyricals about arseoles, perhaps exclaiming “Sweet arsehole” as he tripped, he would be a firm fixture at the Western Poofters. Not so?

  • Comment 4, posted at 21.12.10 12:51:43 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • The lions assistant coach calls john mitchell (lions head coach) at 3 o’clock in the morning and shouts β€œJohn coca cola park is on fire what should we do!?” To which John replies shouting β€œthe cups, the cups, save the cups!” The assistant coach replies with a slight whisper β€œthe fire hasn’t spread to the kitchen yet John.”

  • Comment 5, posted at 21.12.10 12:54:49 by Ben Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • @Big Fish (Comment 4) : I’ve got nothing

  • Comment 6, posted at 21.12.10 12:55:38 by Clayton(PJLD) Reply
  • @Ben (Comment 5) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 7, posted at 21.12.10 13:28:31 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 1) :
    Charlie is not going to be happy with you making jokes about him. 😈

  • Comment 8, posted at 21.12.10 14:25:37 by Salmonoid Reply
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    Salmonoid the Subtle
  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 3) :

    Back in the 70’s Chris de Burgh had his music banned for uttering / singing the same thoughts.

    From Wikipedia

    “The title track is a story about a train carrying the souls of the dead to the Underworld. God and the Devil are playing Poker – gambling with the souls. The Devil cheats and wins the game. The song finishes with the stanza:

    “Far away, in some recess,
    The Lord and the Devil are now playing Chess.
    The Devil still cheats and wins more souls,
    as for the Lord – he’s just doing his best.”

    The song was deemed blasphemous in South Africa, and a ban was ordered. A&M records sued to get the ban overturned – the suit was eventually successful. However, while the suit was in progress, A&M released the album under the title “Lonely Sky and Other Stories” (without “Spanish Train”). This album is considered a collector’s item today – copies are extremely rare.

  • Comment 9, posted at 21.12.10 14:32:43 by Salmonoid Reply
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  • @Salmonoid (Comment 9) : And if you want to hear the rest of the song here is a link

  • Comment 10, posted at 21.12.10 14:36:13 by Salmonoid Reply
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  • @Salmonoid (Comment 9) :

    We had the song way back when my parents were the ones doing more at the parties than we did…remember it very well!

  • Comment 11, posted at 21.12.10 14:39:08 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @Ice (Comment 11) :

    Days of innocence, well unless you were on that train.

    Can you believe that they tried to ban it way back then. And today the music channels, which have no age advisory, are way more raunchy, blasphemous, crass and violent than most rated movies.

  • Comment 12, posted at 21.12.10 14:46:56 by Salmonoid Reply
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  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 1) : πŸ‘Ώ

    OH my gee that last one can’t we change it to the WESTERN PROVINCE :mrgreen:

  • Comment 13, posted at 21.12.10 15:28:05 by chaz Reply

  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 3) : :mrgreen:

  • Comment 14, posted at 21.12.10 15:29:11 by chaz Reply

  • @Salmonoid (Comment 12) :

    Yeah – I had very young and rebellious parents! πŸ˜†

  • Comment 15, posted at 21.12.10 15:29:21 by Ice Reply
    Competition Winner Ice
  • @Big Fish (Comment 4) : πŸ˜‰

  • Comment 16, posted at 21.12.10 15:29:50 by chaz Reply

  • @chaz (Comment 14) : πŸ˜† I liked that one too

  • Comment 17, posted at 21.12.10 15:30:41 by Clayton(PJLD) Reply
  • @Clayton(PJLD) (Comment 1) : Commandment 3: ‘Believe that what goeth around shall surely cometh’ πŸ˜‰

  • Comment 18, posted at 21.12.10 18:12:03 by Jarson (AddicteD) Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
  • @Ice (Comment 15) :
    The best (most fun) type.

  • Comment 19, posted at 22.12.10 12:40:02 by Salmonoid Reply
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