Lacklustre performances from both the Sharks and Boks this weekend leaves us with a lot more questions than answers. The few answers we do possess should however be transcribed for the sake of future generations.
Marcell Coetzee is always incorrectly penalised at breakdowns. He always supports his own body weight but sometimes the earth simply cannot support all of Marcell Coetzee.
Marcell Coetzee once tackled the ability to pronounce the letter “H” out of Ashwin Willemse during a friendly game.
Tiny screams can be heard from the rugby ball when passed to Marcell Coetzee.
Tiny screams can be heard from opposition players as Marcell Coetzee passes them.
Marcell Coetzee allows any other South African openside to channel some of his reserve energy except Deon Steggman, who is not yet tall enough for that ride.
Marcell Coetzee was asked to stop kicking penalties because rugby poles noticeably flinch when Marcell takes aim at them.
Marcell Coetzee has twice injured Richie McCaw by simply thinking about him (Andre Pretorius was Marcell’s favourite player growing up).
Marcell Coetzee was recently asked to only loosely bind at scrum time because he accidentally injured the Beast’s neck by sneezing while behind him in a scrum.
Marcell Coetzee would be the top points scorer in every rugby competition if trylines were less afraid of him.
The recent earthquake in South Africa was the result of Marcell Coetzee letting one rip after a particularly potent Durban curry.
Marcell Coetzee is the fastest athlete in the world but has to hold back in order to give camera operators a fighting chance.
Marcell Coetzee once successfully drop-kicked from inside his own 22 but broke the Kings Park South Stand jumbo TV screen.
Marcell Coetzee has never fetched a beer. They’re naturally attracted to him and crawl to his hand on their own.
Marcell Coetzee mentors Chuck Norris every second Tuesday.
Marcell Coetzee can smell a gap at 300 yards but chooses to run into defenders because it’s more fun.
The Big Swing at Moses Madiba Stadium used to be part of Marcell Coetzee’s backyard playset.
Kimberley’s big hole? Marcell Coetzee was digging for the ball at a breakdown during a game against the Griquas. They had to move the stadium.
I might have missed some facts, please contribute.
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Marcel Coetzee’s email is [email protected]
“Marcell Coetzee once tackled the ability to pronounce the letter “H” out of Ashwin Willemse during a friendly game.”
Comedy gold!
Even more telling – Rapport rated Marcel as the best Bok in Salta. Must have been really hard for them to do, but he gave them no choice in the matter. 😛
Classic our new Chuck Norris
@Bokhoring (Comment 6) : Incorrect. Marcell always provides two choices: yes and amen.
@vanmartin (Comment 8) : 😆
Awesome
Yes man!! Hahaha 😛
We must just pair him with Greef so we complete our own Chuck&Rambo combo:lol:
Marcell Coetzee does not do push ups, the world moves up and down to avoid the full grunt of his power
I think Marcell must wear a cape for when he runs out onto the field
😆 this cheered me up after the Boks’ dismal display.
Thanks for the article vanmartin.
Brilliant
@KingRiaan (Comment 14) : I’m sure “Arrow” will be more than honored to borrow Marcell his cape 😉
Brilliant,12 out of 10
Richie McCaw has a Marcell Coetzee poster against his bedroom wall.
@West Indies Cricket Board (Comment 4) : @Henkb (Comment 13) : @Spirit of Rugby (Comment 19) : Love it, keep ’em coming! 😀
William Web Ellis created the game of Rugby to Prevent Marcell Coetzee playing football becuase he knew a soccer ball would not be able to absorb the Force that is Marcell. and besides If Marcell had to tackle a soccer player than those “OSCAR WINNING” injuries would be real.
@garethkorb (Comment 21) : Enjoyed that one 😀
rumor has it … chuck norris wishes he was marcel coetzee
I’m told Death once had a near-Marcell experience…
When Marcell jumps in a lake, he does not get wet; the water gets Marcelled
Calvin Klein wears Marcell Coetsee underwear
Marcel Coetzee swims two lenghts of the atlantic every morning as a prework out routine
Marvel once thought of adding Marcel Coetzee in the new Avengers movie, but Hulk was found crying in the corner after shaking hands with Marcel
Marcel Coetzee is so tough, he made Bakkies Botha quit the bulls, when he started playing at the Sharks, to avoid playing against him
Thanks Martin! This is gold.
I heard that Marcell has only two speeds. Walk and Kill.
Marcell Coetzee runs Android on his iPhone.
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For a challenge Marcell Coetzee swims two lengths of the Sahara Desert every morning…without taking breaths