Marcell Coetzee facts

Written by Martin van Niekerk (vanmartin)

Posted in :Original Content, Sharks on 25 Aug 2014 at 08:00
Tagged with : , , , , ,

Lacklustre performances from both the Sharks and Boks this weekend leaves us with a lot more questions than answers. The few answers we do possess should however be transcribed for the sake of future generations.

Marcell Coetzee is always incorrectly penalised at breakdowns. He always supports his own body weight but sometimes the earth simply cannot support all of Marcell Coetzee.

Marcell Coetzee once tackled the ability to pronounce the letter “H” out of Ashwin Willemse during a friendly game.

Tiny screams can be heard from the rugby ball when passed to Marcell Coetzee.

Tiny screams can be heard from opposition players as Marcell Coetzee passes them.

Marcell Coetzee allows any other South African openside to channel some of his reserve energy except Deon Steggman, who is not yet tall enough for that ride.

Marcell Coetzee was asked to stop kicking penalties because rugby poles noticeably flinch when Marcell takes aim at them.

Marcell Coetzee has twice injured Richie McCaw by simply thinking about him (Andre Pretorius was Marcell’s favourite player growing up).

Marcell Coetzee was recently asked to only loosely bind at scrum time because he accidentally injured the Beast’s neck by sneezing while behind him in a scrum.

Marcell Coetzee would be the top points scorer in every rugby competition if trylines were less afraid of him.

The recent earthquake in South Africa was the result of Marcell Coetzee letting one rip after a particularly potent Durban curry.

Marcell Coetzee is the fastest athlete in the world but has to hold back in order to give camera operators a fighting chance.

Marcell Coetzee once successfully drop-kicked from inside his own 22 but broke the Kings Park South Stand jumbo TV screen.

Marcell Coetzee has never fetched a beer. They’re naturally attracted to him and crawl to his hand on their own.

Marcell Coetzee mentors Chuck Norris every second Tuesday.

Marcell Coetzee can smell a gap at 300 yards but chooses to run into defenders because it’s more fun.

The Big Swing at Moses Madiba Stadium used to be part of Marcell Coetzee’s backyard playset.

Kimberley’s big hole? Marcell Coetzee was digging for the ball at a breakdown during a game against the Griquas. They had to move the stadium.

I might have missed some facts, please contribute.


  • 😀

  • Comment 1, posted at 25.08.14 08:07:14 by JarsonX Reply
    Competition WinnerCompetition WinnerCompetition Winner
  • 😆

  • Comment 2, posted at 25.08.14 08:10:26 by KingRiaan Reply

  • 😆

  • Comment 3, posted at 25.08.14 08:32:12 by Salmonoid the Subtle Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    Salmonoid the Subtle
  • Marcel Coetzee’s email is [email protected]

  • Comment 4, posted at 25.08.14 08:56:18 by West Indies Cricket Board Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
    West Indies Cricket Board
  • “Marcell Coetzee once tackled the ability to pronounce the letter “H” out of Ashwin Willemse during a friendly game.”

    Comedy gold!

  • Comment 5, posted at 25.08.14 09:20:38 by Big Fish Reply
    Big Fish
  • Even more telling – Rapport rated Marcel as the best Bok in Salta. Must have been really hard for them to do, but he gave them no choice in the matter. 😛

  • Comment 6, posted at 25.08.14 09:55:01 by Bokhoring Reply
  • Classic our new Chuck Norris

  • Comment 7, posted at 25.08.14 10:13:56 by DaveB Reply

  • @Bokhoring (Comment 6) : Incorrect. Marcell always provides two choices: yes and amen.

  • Comment 8, posted at 25.08.14 10:38:33 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • @vanmartin (Comment 8) : 😆

  • Comment 9, posted at 25.08.14 10:42:13 by Bokhoring Reply
  • Awesome

  • Comment 10, posted at 25.08.14 10:51:53 by Letgo Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • Yes man!! Hahaha 😛 :mrgreen:

  • Comment 11, posted at 25.08.14 11:29:33 by Another Nick Reply

    Another Nick
  • We must just pair him with Greef so we complete our own Chuck&Rambo combo:lol:

  • Comment 12, posted at 25.08.14 11:37:03 by Chippa Reply

  • Marcell Coetzee does not do push ups, the world moves up and down to avoid the full grunt of his power

  • Comment 13, posted at 25.08.14 11:49:39 by Henkb Reply
  • I think Marcell must wear a cape for when he runs out onto the field

  • Comment 14, posted at 25.08.14 11:52:14 by KingRiaan Reply

  • 😆 this cheered me up after the Boks’ dismal display.

    Thanks for the article vanmartin.

  • Comment 15, posted at 25.08.14 11:58:35 by StevieS Reply
  • Brilliant

  • Comment 16, posted at 25.08.14 12:17:07 by bokbok Reply

  • @KingRiaan (Comment 14) : I’m sure “Arrow” will be more than honored to borrow Marcell his cape 😉

  • Comment 17, posted at 25.08.14 12:33:06 by FireTheLooser Reply

  • Brilliant,12 out of 10

  • Comment 18, posted at 25.08.14 12:45:26 by benji Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld
  • Richie McCaw has a Marcell Coetzee poster against his bedroom wall.

  • Comment 19, posted at 25.08.14 12:45:28 by Spirit of Rugby Reply
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    Spirit of Rugby
  • @West Indies Cricket Board (Comment 4) : @Henkb (Comment 13) : @Spirit of Rugby (Comment 19) : Love it, keep ’em coming! 😀

  • Comment 20, posted at 25.08.14 12:52:40 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • William Web Ellis created the game of Rugby to Prevent Marcell Coetzee playing football becuase he knew a soccer ball would not be able to absorb the Force that is Marcell. and besides If Marcell had to tackle a soccer player than those “OSCAR WINNING” injuries would be real.

  • Comment 21, posted at 25.08.14 13:44:54 by garethkorb Reply

  • @garethkorb (Comment 21) : Enjoyed that one 😀

  • Comment 22, posted at 25.08.14 18:24:30 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • rumor has it … chuck norris wishes he was marcel coetzee

  • Comment 23, posted at 25.08.14 20:22:41 by byron Reply

  • I’m told Death once had a near-Marcell experience…

  • Comment 24, posted at 25.08.14 21:42:58 by Culling Song Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
    Culling Song
  • When Marcell jumps in a lake, he does not get wet; the water gets Marcelled

  • Comment 25, posted at 25.08.14 22:20:08 by Culling Song Reply
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    Culling Song
  • Calvin Klein wears Marcell Coetsee underwear

  • Comment 26, posted at 25.08.14 22:24:02 by FireTheLooser Reply

  • Marcel Coetzee swims two lenghts of the atlantic every morning as a prework out routine

  • Comment 27, posted at 26.08.14 06:24:54 by Henkb Reply
  • Marvel once thought of adding Marcel Coetzee in the new Avengers movie, but Hulk was found crying in the corner after shaking hands with Marcel

  • Comment 28, posted at 26.08.14 06:33:11 by Henkb Reply
  • Marcel Coetzee is so tough, he made Bakkies Botha quit the bulls, when he started playing at the Sharks, to avoid playing against him

  • Comment 29, posted at 26.08.14 06:45:19 by Henkb Reply
  • Thanks Martin! This is gold.

    I heard that Marcell has only two speeds. Walk and Kill.

  • Comment 30, posted at 26.08.14 09:52:56 by gregkaos Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • Marcell Coetzee runs Android on his iPhone.

  • Comment 31, posted at 26.08.14 10:19:33 by vanmartin Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld Author
  • 😆
    For a challenge Marcell Coetzee swims two lengths of the Sahara Desert every morning…without taking breaths

  • Comment 32, posted at 26.08.14 11:25:05 by BarendL Reply
    Friend of Sharksworld

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